BGM: ASIAN KUNG-FU GENERATION - 遥か彼方
I am... yes, a really enigmatic one. I have been said a lot from others as "you are weird" or "your mind must be crooked" (probably it was from my autism). Therefore I have built in a habit of thinking myself deeply in myself. Why am I this kind of person? Why am I different from others? As you know, Japanese society is not tolerant to some "heresy" or strangers. It can work as exclusive to get rid of those kind of people from there to keep/save a unity of society. That exactly drove me crazy. Me, I was the person who wanted to live as a transparent, harmless person within the society because it would be a "low risk" life. But I can't make any lie to myself. For example, during other people are into "Damon Slayer", I read Yukio Mishima. But I guess that is not from any snob motivation as "I must be cool because I am different from others!" (Indeed, I might have that mind without knowing by myself). It's just because I can't make a lie to myself, and that kind of life suits me. Yes, that's a sad nature character in me.
And, since a certain point of my life, I started accepting that myself. I started "giving up" trying to struggle. I can't choose any other life. I just do what I want to do. As this diary, I can't endure writing what I want to write. I can't do any service to write funny content instead of writing interesting things for me. About reading, I can't read the books I "must" read to learn/study for the knowledge. A kind of people would say that "you are idle" and "you are selfish"... I accept those comments seriously. But, I am the person who are having a certain dilemma because I once wanted to live in another way. Ah... this sweet, lovely autism. This distorted personality! Everyday I write this diary as these 4 paragraphs, but this is because I can't write any "unified" content. But, you say this is my character, isn't you? People could say to Haruki Murakami as "you have to write more 'traditional' novels which are full of geisha and samurai"?
But it is quite an interesting life to live this life as seriously as I can. I am trying to be myself, be dutiful to this real life... I am changeable by the relationships with others or the situations. As I wrote once, I am basically just a negative, pessimistic person. But if I start expressing myself in English, a positive thinking circuit of my thoughts start working and I start praising others, or I start saying thanksgiving to others "automatically". The outside affects me like that, and it changes me certainly. And the ideas which are within changing myself are let out from me bit by bit. I output them to this world therefore it would enrich the reality... and that's why I am born in this world. I do the almost infinite affection as that to the world. That affection of my outputting might be the reason why I am here. That might be a mission of mine... this world must be a rich chaos. It can be changed as water.
Once, when I couldn't understand that, I thought myself as a "solid" and "stubborn" thing like a stone. I wouldn't make any progress in my life therefore I must be useless during my life... maybe that thought leaded me to become a heavy drinker. I thought myself as a "poop creating machine" (this is from a funny Japanese internet slang). Or, once when I was disappointed by the face I was autistic, because "autism is incurable", I thought "I have to live this cursed life with this stupid autism", "I am a failure of this damned Japanese society" (writing this, I feel shameful because once I was haunted by such a stupid idea). Anyway, those ideas are from the bias of "I am solid". Maybe I was even afraid of "changing" or "being changed" somewhere in my mind. Now, I won't say that I am free from that fear of changing. But I want to accept that "I can change", and "everything is in a flow therefore it would change". Yes, everything changes... Although, you might say "your diary would never change forever!".