BGM: De La Soul - Stakes Is High
Today I worked late. This morning I chose U2's "The Joshua Tree" as this morning's music. Suddenly, I thought about the U2's career. They once tried to make their music with Brian Eno and approach techno music. They have changed their style like that, but it doesn't tell me the impression of "wishy-washy". The core of them are really strong. Thinking about that, I also thought about myself. My life is that kind of "strong" and "going straight" thing? I can't think so, because I have always been moved by other things. "Being moved", or just "swinging" life. Indeed, I have worked for over 20 years at the current workplace, but in my private life I did a lot of trial. I tried to become a writer, googled to find if I have a personality disorder, and also checked myself if I am autistic. My life is never straight, but just wandered with a lot of waste.
But, I love this slow motion life. I love this wandering life with a lot of trials and errors during the journey. Indeed, I adore the life which goes straight to the successful state. But the life wouldn't go so straightly. I remember that the Japanese philosopher, Shunsuke Tsurumi, talked about the way of reading "swinging reading". It means not reading the books following the connection straightly, but reading going across various borders randomly. "Swinging reading" seems not effective reading to study, but I also do this kind of random reading. Yesterday, I read brain science books, and today I read philosophical books by that, etc. Reading by the guidance of my interest leads to having brand new idea, and it makes me thrilling. I talked too much, but anyway, my life is a series of that kind of "wandering" and "swinging". It Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing?
You may say it is too early, but sometimes I look back at my life. I am impressed by the fact that my life is a series of troubles. As I wrote before, it was really difficult before I learned I am autistic, but also it was quite a hard time after I am so. But, living like this (or getting aging like this), my life becomes simpler. Once my life was really a chaos because I lost myself. I tried to become famous so read the trendy "light novel" and said my opinion to politic or serious social problems. But now, I don't want to do such things. I live my life with reading, learning English, writing my diary, and translating it into English. That dutiful life leads me to live simpler life with lesser problems. I can live simple now. I don't want to go back to the troublesome days with battling on the internet.
Stay simple... I am weak so easily attracted by new things, or strange things. I guess there is no person like me because of its wishy-washy character. I remember that I listened to music a lot from Britpop to techno, and also post-rock. Now I am into soul music and hip hop... I was really embarrassed that withy-washy character of mine once. But now I accept this as "it's my way". "It's my way"... I gave up various things like this. I can't drink alcohol anymore but "it's my way". I have to live this life as an autistic person but "it's my way". How I accept this reality and try to live with the attitude of "be water" as Bruce Lee says. How to live as myself like water, which is so soft so can react the outside situation so flexibly. I am getting to live my life like that. And, from now I will live this life in a clever way.