Today was a day off. This morning I went to Saikouji, and at there I attended a meeting with my friends. Various comments from the members. About the person who chose hikikomori, the autism I have, etc. In this meeting, I can think about the difficulty of living my life, or any abstract topics as "What is our life?" and "How can we live a better life", so I am really glad about this. And also I can exactly learn something and also be healed from other members' opinions. Today, I felt impressed by a member's comment "we can be free from ourselves". I usually live with being dutiful to myself. But it might bind myself strictly. I found that kind of the noticing moments from here.
A member asked me that "Have you ever thought choosing hikikomori life?". I once had lived as a NEET with my parents after graduating from my university about half a year. But my parents were so old that I couldn't choose hikikomori, and noticed as "I should challenge something", so I started the current work (also a doctor recommended me to work as a commitment to the society, so I thought "I can't run away" as Shinji Ikari from "Evangelion"). And I have worked by now. But I never say that I am great. Everyone would choose the same way as me if they were in the same situation. Or, although this might sound too foolish, but I don't think that the person who can work normally in this society can't be the one who has normal mind. We might be able to say that hikikomori people might have normal minds, therefore they try to hikikomori... How do you think? Even though I don't want to live as a hikikomori now...
As the profile of mine on Discord, I am saying that I am "A Japanese autistic guy". I admit that once I named myself as an autistic person on Twitter, and I even talked about autism as an influential twitter user or opinion leader. I, however, am now thinking that it could work for me as a dangerous label. In my real life, I am using the system of job coaches and my group home. Also I am living and sharing my autistic life with my friends on the internet. But I want to see myself as having various essences of my identity in myself. I like reading, I enjoy Jazz and hip hop... I don't want to deny that kind of richness of my humanity (you might feel that I am too proud for myself by saying like this).
This evening, I finished reading one of the volumes of "Complete Japanese Literature" edited by Natsuki Ikezawa. It had been a friend of my reading time at night, and contained Keizo Hino and Takeshi Kaiko's works. It made me think that "How can be the meaning of living as human beings in this world?" and "What can mean this world?" by their recording of Vietnam War. After that, I attended the "space" on Twitter. It was done by Hiroki Kashiragi, a Japanese essayist. I talked about my "recommending" books. Me, when I was young, I dreamed about unreal and marvelous world which was described by Haruki Murakami and Ryu Murakami's huge imagination. But now, I want to celebrate these "ordinary and peaceful" days. I can feel that the interest for the books I read is certainly changing. That is because I have quit drinking alcohol since I was 40 years old, and also started making friendship with the people who I certainly met this morning's meeting as I wrote above. At the fine days as today, I enjoy Spitz and Sunny Day Service's music, and also feel pleasant for the talking with my friends (Spitz's "渚" is quite a great tune). And I can feel that I am becoming free from the gravity of the label "autism" or the existence of myself.
