Today was the day I had to recognize the "middle-age crisis" again (as I wrote yesterday). I couldn't read books (now I'm reading Wittgenstein's "Philosophical Investigations"). Am I attributing too much? Then how can I do outputting? I might have to go to chat on Discord... Suddenly, I think that I am still nobody even if I read books like this. I will end my life as a citizen, not a professor. Ah, that might be the life. But then, what do I want to be? I can't see that...
In this time, I remember V. E. Frankle's quote. Not expecting something to my life, but thinking what this life would expect me... For me, I think of the job coach (I wrote an e-mail to her about this). And attending the meetings with my friends. Staying sober and reading philosophical books deeply. I also have to work. I am doing my best I guess. What should I change? Changing my clothes, or trying to fall in love, choosing different books to read, or spending my days with movies...
As this time, flowing meaninglessly and just having nonsense days which just begin and end, there are the people who try to help and move for me. It was absolute. Then, I can't be defeated. So I wrote the truth within myself, the core of depression onto the display. How long would I live this life? What kind of life is waiting for me, and in that life how can I improve myself and become larger. I can't see, but the days I learn English and read books would never end. How deep I can dig myself?
This evening, I went to the danshu meeting, and talked about the episode of the city festival. I couldn't do interpretation so got embarrassed... but other members gave me warm comments, and they were very glad to me. When I was a heavy drinker, I got drank meaninglessly. After the work, I went to buy alcohol and just hangout on Twitter (I was really ridiculous!). it must not become any improvement of me... Now I can stay sober so really pleasant. I have got used to live the days without alcohol. I will choose peaceful days without alcohol like recent ones, and also want to learn English and read books every day. Sometimes I will listen to Spitz.
