BGM: Lenny Kravitz - Let Love Rule
Today was a day off. During the morning time, I met the facility manager of my group home (he actually came to my room). He faced to my problems carefully. Indeed, this might be an out of date topic, but we could talked deeply because we both are male. The manager said about my ones as "ordinary things" and "everybody can be suffered from". So I can them openly, not worry too much and "shoulder"... The honest attitude of him certainly supported me because they are purely my distorted problems, and also the ones I have been suffered since I was a child. I even had a guilty about having such awful ones... and I remembered the past period when I had not any friendship or social connection. I had to stay myself without any desires (but my body didn't obey me).
I went to the library, and borrowed Vladimir Nabokov, Ango Sakaguchi, and also borrowed the collection of love letters of Junichiro Tanizaki. I can't have any interest in other things to read except that really creepy thing... I suffered from my yawning (yawning comes from the tiredness of my brain I heard. Now my brain must simply be tired so can't swallow any letter. It never is boring or like that). But I still read. Ah, I remember... Like the main character's shameless actions, I once did very brutal things as an amateur novelist. Once I spread a lot of dirty words, or violent words like Jackson Pollock's paintings. Now I won't do that. I want to be liked? Yes, exactly. But also, I treat this fact. Indeed, if we peeled out our mental skin then we would show our rude desires. But I want to think about the meaning of that "a sheet of mental skin". It won't be just as a public appearance or hypocrisy.
I want to be liked by other people... now, comparing with the period when I was treated as a bug, a creep (and the period I could get some laughing from that kind of acting "silly" and "creepy" kid because that would feed me a certain esteem-needs), I am having a lot of trustable friends in and out of Japan. I read a person's post about this diary on a server on Discord. I can't react it now, but I feel certainly glad. I am just an ordinary man. I won't show humility by this. I write this even though ladies and gentlemen would see me as a creep (like the confession of Nabokov's "Lolita"). I am always seeking for the "milf" videos and soaked into sweet daydream every day. But if I write something to someone else, or if I work, then I become "someone". I am just a basically, from my bones, "hentai". But I am showing it nakedly. Is it the reason why people like me?
Wise people say that we shouldn't need to be loved by every body. Haruki Murakami would be that kind of person. I have read this quote once on the internet. "Even Jesus Christ was not loved by every one". I am knowing this. I am writing foolish things, creepy things, and too proudful things. I am being known as "an idiot". "An idiot"... then, so what? I don't want to run away from my instinct. But I also don't want to become too shameless as "dutiful for myself". I want to stay in a middle state. I have tried a lot of styles of my writing on the internet. I once wrote a lot of slang or dirty words, and pretended to be a leader or critic... but now I choose this serious one. I want to stay natural and that would be the best. I want to read Walt Whitman's poems because he was really dutiful from the flooding from himself (this kind of sudden idea always suffers me... it might come from autism, too).
