BGM: Michael Jackson - Black or White
I reserved some books of collections of essays by Koutaro Sawaki. TBH, I have not read his non-fiction books so much, but I do like his essays which describes his personal life lightly so often read them (this is just an opinion of mine, but I guess his clear Japanese seems good for the Japanese leaners to learn). Today, I carried his "Scenery on the road" in my bag to my workplace, read it, and felt eased certainly. I have read this for a few times so can feel comfortable. Unconsciously, I might not want to feel disappointed to read unknown books, therefore I re-read "known" books. Should I read the books which hurt my mind, in other words, which are controversial... I am saving myself? I should change the interest to the writers as Samuel Beckett.
TBH, yesterday I couldn't sleep well and this morning I thought "I can't do anymore". Yes, this idea suffered me a lot, but at last, I worked completely. "I shouldn't be down here"... As I wrote this once (and my metaphor used to be too old), I feel that in me there is a personality as Ryo Saeba. That personality is, as Ryo Saeba is so, usually thinking about various things with an easy-going mind. Never want to work, never get wet with sweat... and also a large amout of horny things. But if I start working, my mind changes and enables me to do my work. I, however, can't trust this change is possible so I have to struggle with myself before work. I can't see if I can work fully before I start work. Or I can't trust my Ryo Saeba. It's complicated. I am not a serious person, but I might be having a "professionalism".
This afternoon, I read Koutaro Sawaki's "Scenery on the road" a little. His writings deliver me a certain neat and strong "professionalism". He is one of the great non-fiction writers, and in these early essays he shows strong pride as a writer in him. I am really impressed by them. He has kept on facing the real before himself and writing about it completely. These essays are the products from the person who keeps on doing that tough works. I might have to follow him. "Professionalism"... I have never thought that I am "professional". Indeed, this logic is weird but I don't want to be bind by that label of "professional". I want to be free, and also to be an amateur. But maybe we are going to be a "pro" if we have kept on the same job for over 20 years. I should accept this kind of label and let myself be bind?
I am thinking about the label of "gifted". I don't know its strict meaning, but I heard that it would mean "the intelligence which is truly high from average". Once I thought that my skill of using language must be "gifted". But, as a comment to my diary on Discord, this label of "gifted" must not mean as simply the "smart" man, but can mean the difficulty to live their life. I have to think about this again, and I agree with this comment. I shouldn't think simply as the "gifted" people are easy to live because they are smart, but I have to think how to have sympathy with these people's difficulty from "gift". I am not smart so I can't reach this point... I am also thinking that "ordinary" or "neurotypical" people have difficulty to live because of that "neurotypical" character.