BGM: 真心ブラザーズ - 空にまいあがれ
Today I saw a good aged couple were walking at AEON. It reminded me of a word "gray hair together". Although I always write this, in 20s and 30s I lost any hope in my life completely so I strictly believed that "I must die at my 40". I wanted to live a rush life so drank a lot thinking I could die anytime (because I shouldn't be born in this world basically)... now that idea never comes in my mind. I even dream that I wish I live as long as I can, and want to climb to the higher stage of this life... a friend said to me that "you will be a completely mature person at your 56 by the suggestion of the data". In short, my life has a possibility of growing up "from now". Step by step... it might sound too seriously. I will live better than yesterday, or even today. I want to enjoy this life as reading books one page by another page.
I had asked my readers the honest opinions to this diary, and got various ones from various readers. I want to write about that and say thank you sinserely. Ah, there are certainly the readers... yes, it is really thankful for me. For example, a reader said to me that I should go out from my room and experience various activities. Certainly it would make no progress even if I write about the books I read only. Daydream would rule me if I just stayed in my room quietly... it is sad because I can't learn from those advises soonly, but I want to show my answer step by step. Now I think I want to write about what I have learned in English. For example, I guess it would be a "casual", nice topic that how I can translate "tomoshiraga" (I wrote as "gray hair together") into English... I don't want to think about Wittgenstein and Haruki Murakami always seriously. I want to have a break with this kind of any casual topics.
8 years since I started quitting alcohol... during that period, in my mind I have had a decision "how can I spend today, this one day without alcohol?". "Just for today", "Quitting alcohol just this one day"... That's all. In other words, I have never made any long plan. I can't imagine how it would be after 5 years or 10 years. That's because I am autistic. I have several ideas in my head, those always change rapidly so I can't treat just any single idea steadily. Or I also can't read any future and make plans... Just today, this one day, I quit. I repeat that trial. About my diary, I never expected that it would become long as this. I just tried to write about one day. That trial's repetition lead me to this stage.
At lunchtime, I listened to Pizzicato Five's "陽の当たる大通り". This song's lyric brought me to the idea of what I have left in this life before I will die. I remember a phrase "my life has no regret", and I thought I would treat this life as a happy one like Wittgenstein did. And I notice that I have never met the soul mate, and also I want to eat delicious meals... many pieces of desire is in me. I have a lot of things I want to do or I dream... I want to write how this world is by the autistic person's eyes (as I have done in this diary), or I want to write what I notice as an English learner. Dreams never end as New Order sings. It is strange. I once exactly thought that my life must end at my 40 like Franz Kafka, but at that 40 I started quit drinking. In a way, that quitting let me start my life. You can start your life...
