BGM: Cream - White Room
Today I worked late. This morning, I felt depressed again. I tried to run away from that feeling by listening to Lou Reed's "Walk On The Wild Side" or reading Shotaro Yasuoka. But I noticed that I could not run away from that emotion so started reading Mikal Gilmore's "Shot In The Heart" again. It seems that I have to face this book for a while. "Shot In The Heart" is, probably you already know, the non-fiction book about Gary Gilmour, an American notorious murderer, written by the brother of Gary. I can feel a certain, great heaviness of "bloody words". Since I read this book as a college student for the first time, I have relied on this book when I feel depression. For me, Haruki is a great writer by this book's translation only.
When was the moment everything started going to wrong direction? In this book, Mikal Gilmore asks this question. I stopped reading and thought about that. Unless I end solving this, I can't read anymore. Nirvana is singing in their "Unplugged". I remembered many unhappy or miserable people, who just tried to cure their souls by murders. Like Tomohiro Kato (the one who did the Akihabara Massacre)... and I am, in a way, living in a miserable life. But I am just staying in this world as a normal person. I think about that. Why? Why could I not kill anyone until now? You might say it's normal, but... just "murdering is bad" is not enough. Even though the murdering became legalized, I wouldn't kill anyone. But why?
When was the time my life started going to the wrong direction? Could I stop that? MIkal Gilmore asked to himself again and again by writing this great non-fiction. He tries to go back to see the root of his family to himself, and also thinking "why murdering is bad". He must believe the power of literature, or just writing. I can't say if writing something like him would be an action of curing oneself, but at least, this book and Nirvana's music have saved my life. In that way, this book is still special for me. I want to read non-fiction books more. "Educated", or Haruki's "Underground"...
Today I met my job coach at the workplace. She told me that job coaches support not only my working but my whole life itself. She cared about my daily life and various problems. Even she taught me a clue to save money about my life. I want to do it. As you know on Facebook, recently I am suffered from insomnia. If the base of my life is stable, my working will become greater. I decided to talk about this to my doctor next Monday. Ah, I am not alone. Next Sunday I will attend a picnic party. My relationship with friends becomes richer. I want to do what I can do steadily. I just use my memo pad to write ideas in English to practice. Practice, practice, and practice. That would lead me to the higher stage.