Today I attended a meeting about autism. I talked about the topic "Me and English". Every morning I feel in a bad mood, but chatting on Discord and WhatsApp, or writing this diary in English certainly makes my mood upper. We have a proverb "What one likes, one will do best". Me, I like expressing myself in English so I can have kept doing this until now. Other members gave me various positive comments. I think today, like on other days, we enjoyed a good meeting. I feel thankful for this.
After that meeting, I felt nothing to do with a positive mind. But I wanted to do what I should do so (and that trial might lead me to do another thing), so I made a clean copy for the city festival. I also read a document another friend of mine offered me to read. About this, I have to make my opinion clearer to tell her my review. I did what I could do today. After that, I laid myself on the bed and slept well.
At night, I thought I wanted to read Yoshio Kataoka a little, but it didn't come to my head. I also tried to think why we Japanese have an inferiority complex that we should be ashamed of if we aren't fluent in English. But the current state of mind won't lead my thought to a fine one. Now is the time we have to endure hot daytime and chilly nighttime, so it hurts me a little. I also have been haunted by the shock of failure I had made. The other friend worried about this failure, and she asked me to talk about this in this meeting, but I didn't say yes with the excuse "now I'm not fine".
Ah, I can remember that day, we met... the beginning of these meetings. The people I met that day changed me exactly, and I started writing my truths in English. So I feel that now is so far from that sicken day. I am growing up like that, and this pain is that I needed to be bigger. Indeed, this is too beautiful or proudful, but I won't stay at past days, past memories... now I live in my 47th-year-old days. I feel that this is real life.