It was a day off today. This morning I had a meeting about English conversation on ZOOM. But today it was a little bit different from usual meetings. TBH we secretly had proceeded a project for the host woman to celebrate her birthday. We had reserved some Indian sweets and delivered them to her house as a surprise present. The host showed the present she had got via ZOOM, and also a member showed a message card for her (TBH I had written an instant poem to her). I was glad that she seemed really delightful for this present. I feel thankful for these opportunities (this surprise project, and also every week's meeting). Today we tried to make our sentences by using the phrase "The point is that". We talked a lot about the Japanese sentences an Indian member made. About "The relationship between Japanese and English" and "How can we build natural Japanese sentences by using English?". We also talked about the poems and journals I have been writing. It was really a deep lesson... I have enjoyed this meeting three months I guess. I am glad for the kindness of other members.
This afternoon I went to the library and borrowed Hisaki Matsuura's books. In those books, I chose the one "Koukon Kakushi" to read. I thought that I was now living in the "dusk" or "sunset" time of my life. Indeed, I can't expect what will happen in this life. But as a fact, I have lived about half a century... "To live on" was once the same as "to lose my youth" or "to lose my possibility". I won't be able to do a lot anymore... that made me crazy, and I cried a lot. Powerless, useless, unhappy... I was just "rotten" at that period. This must sound ridiculous, but now (Of course, I am losing the vitality and mental toughness) I think "I want to do what I couldn't do once". Yes, I had tried a lot to seek for what I could do. I had been ashamed by various errors... this has brought me here. The more I live, the more I can live a simpler life. No waste... I love this simple life. Like The Police's playing. Simple, and also tasteful... I hope it could be (I can't judge this).
After that, until 3 pm I tried to write my poem at the food court at AEON. At the meeting in the morning a person asked me "How do you write your poems?". About this, I just always try to capture the ideas around me like grabbing clouds. I just try to write the first line of every poem. After that, I try to think about how I should make rhymes of the ending words. And I start building my poems following the style of sonnets. From 3 pm, I start enjoying another meeting. We did a discussion about our emotion in English. How can we control/manage our emotion? A person said to us that saying to ourselves "Oh, Well" to solve the struggles. Don't think twice. Just let them "flow". Certainly, I thought that kind of decision of letting everything "flow" can mean their tolerance or strength. I confessed my opinion. Once, I had been suffered from the idea that my co-workers hate me. But I started thinking that these people are like the weather. Indeed, the weather changes our life. But we can live our life even though the weather changes better or worse. That's OK... from that, we talked about "Other people can't be changed" but "We can change our behavior".
This evening I went to the "danshu" meeting. At there, I confessed the memory of meeting my parents on Thursday. I talked my dream... I will reach my 50s soon. The day when I was 40 (the 3rd of April), the day I had quit alcohol... I had thought "if I drink alcohol again, how I will be?". I had thought that "In this life, I have done nothing" and "I have never done anything seriously". At that time, I thought I wanted to be a pro writer but I had never written anything. I just had run away from everything... therefore I started quitting. 8 years passed. But I actually tried to complete writing my first novel and was said by a pro writer as "You can never be a pro, so you should stop trying". I guess it was right... Everything can't go smoothly. We can't live as we like. C'est la vie... After that, I started joining the meeting about autism. I also started learning English again, and began writing this journal. This year I started creating my poems too. If I were in my 20s or 30s, I would think that "I wanna be a star like Allen Ginsberg" or "I wanna be the most famous one in the world". But now, I never think that cause it never products money. I just want to live the "dusk" of my life. Single, no kids. Just I read and write. Really simple... like Young Marble Giants' music... But "Oh, Well!".