Probably it was because of the rainy season... It seemed that it was really a day that I felt something got rotten. Waking up this morning, and I took a bath and had breakfast as usual. Then, I fell asleep again. After that, I wrote a journal about yesterday (this is also a precious daily duty for me). Oh my, what an idle morning even though it was a day off for me. TBH I felt that everything was troublesome, but I did my tasks as usual. Then I could feel that my mood had gotten uplifted (I feel that the power of doing tasks must be marvelous). From 10:30 am, I attended a meeting about English on ZOOM. In this meeting, a member from India taught me that he has been learning Japanese, and we read actually the textbook he has been using. We tried to translate the Japanese sentences in that book into English. The host person and other members welcomed me actually so I was really grateful for that. I remember... Once I was terribly "hated" by classmates in schools. I was just a "heresy" and "enemy" in closed classrooms so I pretended to be dead and read books only. That was my school days.
I met a person this afternoon. She has checked my health condition, and today she checked my blood pressure and weight. She said "Oh, good figure!", and I felt strange because I had been said as "You are too heavy", "You shouldn't eat any oily meals" and "Never drink alcohol anymore". Yes, I was once suffered from my fat body... I am never doing any good exercises. I just move my body well during my work. Maybe that is "working" for me. Once, when I was checked my health condition, doctors said to me as I was really unhealthy. But all I thought was "It must be nonsense even if I try to live healthy" and "Why should I live longer?". And I had been soaked into alcohol (of course, that alcohol hurt my health as you see). I even thought that "dying by alcohol is sublime because I could feel infinite pleasure and forget anything bothersome". Remembering those days, now I feel that I am happy. Of course, besides this morning's meeting on ZOOM, now I feel that "Everything is unbelievable". Maybe all of this is just a dream. What will happen when I wake up tomorrow?
And... it was really an idle and rotten day so I couldn't read any books. I tried to read Senri Oe, a Japanese musician's essay but I couldn't. I even couldn't learn English anymore completely. On next Sunday's meeting about autism, I want to talk about the activities in English I am enjoying. But I couldn't make a draft about that... Indeed, the meeting is not related with English. We "study" autism by that meeting. However, except the topic about English I have, I want to talk about basically is "You had better try to open your mind and find any solution within outer world". Actually, I could connect myself with various foreign friends by chance. It has broadened my point of view... But I won't say that "You MUST learn English" or "You must be lazy so you can't understand English". That kind of opinions would make you "English haters". All I want to say is just to open your window and try bringing new atmosphere in. And also you had better move by your feeling or inner voice. Blowing in the wind... because of that, actually, I could enjoy the meeting I wrote above in this morning.
This evening I went to the "danshu" meeting. At there, I talked about the Japanese class I had observed on last Sunday. Being impressed by the effort of Japanese learners, I thought that there must be hard workers who are trying to do their efforts to their lives and jobs... So I had thought that "I have to work hard to live my life and learn English as much as I can". I talked about those things. Ah, once (as I wrote above), I had "too much" about my health and the situation. The one which I can communicate smoothly by my mother tongue, and also the one I can live safely... All I thought was just "I don't want to live this terrible life anymore". I was just an idiot. I will get older, and dumber. I live in my lonely life with no wife, no children. But I can feel that some people come and say to me as "Your English is cool" and "You are amazing". Once, I was hated. But now I am treated as a precious friend. From a long view, everything must be treated "fairly" like this...