I found Osamu Hashimoto's quote "If you find any purpose, you can get smarter more and more" on Twitter. This quote was so impressive that I couldn't forget it even if I started working. I often think "Why do I do such a work?" or "Does this life have any meaning?" and feel blue. But when I start thinking and writing about it, that kind of blue disappears. Thinking and writing about something are, for me, just moving to the future. In other words, writing something is hope for me...
I read books. Books show various scenery by words. The scenery I have never seen... I might be able to call it future. Books are clues to the future, or just books are the future itself. That's why I read books. I remember when I was a high school student. I was bullied by classmates so I couldn't trust anyone. Just I read books and didn't talk to others. My imagination went to Tokyo. If I go out of this country town, I can meet someone who understands me. So I want to run away from here... I just thought that.
One of the motivations of reading books is "If I get knowledge by reading, I can beat anyone by that knowledge". Or "Reading books can give a certain order to this chaotic reality". This world is quite a big chaos and nonsense, harmful and difficult to understand. I want to survive so I should empower myself. So I tried to get knowledge by reading and made myself strong... But I might be wrong when I remember that period.
The knowledge empowered by reading might just be "virtual"... I think. I should connect to other people in this real-life and get empowered with shame. I should show my ugly figure... When I met the meetings about autism, I have done such a discipline to show my ugly figure... I thought and wrote this on the handout of homework which is for the English conversation class. Finished it, I cried a little. I thought I had wanted to write this kind of thought. I had wanted to write this so I had learned English. It's a long, long way to come to here...
