Today I had to work early. I thought about how to work against the pressure. If I start working, everything goes alright as usual. But I can't think positively as "Everything will be OK! so Let's start working" although I get success by this process. It's similar to the relationship between real and dream. Even if I think that "this is just a dream so I am alright if I wake up", the experience of bad events as nightmares becomes a stress for us. Like that, I can't get rid of bad feelings even if I think I'll forget that when I start work. What should I do?
In the morning, I talked with Akari Yamaguchi, an artist of Japanese writing. She wrote my name as her art. We got friends on Facebook. After today's work, I returned home and went to various rooms in clubhouse. I talked about my autism in English. But I had not prepared for this talking so I did with troubles. I can't drive cars, or also can't do small talk, and I like books... I should record the topics to talk about. Always I am surprised at the happening that I can tell my truth without my intention when I talk about various things in English.
I talked about the troubles at my office by using LINE. She is also thinking to solve my problems. But she also feels anger with the fact she can't solve them. I'm not alone... I think about this fact. But I have to admit that I am thinking about how to work as an English user even I can't do it practically. I think I'm confused. Everything I do will cause bad effects in my office. Or everything I do makes the impression of mine worse. So I have to stay calm and get rest by watching movies or learning English at clubhouse.
Today I've read Syouhei Ohoka's "Seijyo Press" a little. About the 80s culture, he tried to touch greedily with pop music as YMO, manga, and literature and wrote it as this journal. I thought if I can experience pop culture with a fresh mind as him if I will live in my 70s. Actually, I have passed watching "Damon Slayers" today even if I could have watched it on TV... Yes, we can live without these new pop-cultural products. But it's sad without living them although there are many interesting ones. I should follow Syouhei Ohoka as reading "Seijyo Press".
