Today I worked late so I had time in the morning. I talked at clubhouse a little. At last, I cried for a while... Ah, 46 years. It hasn't been full of funny memories. I had some bitter memories. I remember them... A person said that it is "mottainai" about my posting in English in my blog. I can't think of the word which describes the meaning of "mottainai" in English. But in this case, it might be the meaning of "underrated". I might start thinking that I want to be accepted by my ability or the possibility of English or other goodness.
I thought about why I learn English. Because I started clubhouse for learning English. That might be because I think that it is valuable to tell the things I've experienced in my life. We don't have to do the things which I've experienced again, or we have to learn from the things I've experienced... I thought that. I want to make friends more. I want to increase my friends who listen to my words, and I want to be a listener to such friends. If we enforce that relationship, it can bring us wonderful effects.
A person praised my article so I commented "Thank you always". She said, "This is an assessment". Reading a lot of books, thinking deeply. She said she measures these my activities and says so. I see... talking to the people from English culture like this, I'm getting the feeling that it's stupid to stay in Japanese narrow culture. But if I stay in my office, I have to obey the order or their point of view. If I could obey them, I would. But I can't. If I try to be myself, I have to become an outsider...
I had read Syohei Ohoka's "Seijyo Press" and Steve Silberman's "Neurotribes". But today I couldn't read books so far. I remember the past and cry. Oh... the period I thought I should die at 40. I graduated from Waseda but they gave me this kind of work, so I had lost my will to live on. I had thought I was exactly underrated. Danshi Tatekawa said, "Reality is correct". This situation is correct because I had made it... But it also can be changed by my effort?