BGM: R.E.M. - World Leader Pretend
I had a day off today. I read a Japanese critic, Susumu Nishibe's book "Life and Death [西部邁『生と死、この非凡なる平凡』]" again this morning, and wondered why I still (yes, STILL in this Netflix, YouTube, and TikTok era) read books. Maybe because a topic in this book attracted /suggested me to ask that. Once, I strictly believed that reading could bring me to any higher spiritual stage. Yes, I read many books to get higher than other people. This fact tells me that once I hated those other people absolutely/completely. Then, now?
Yes, I once hated everything in this small country, especially people's atmosphere/mood because it often harmed me. As I have written in these journals, I am an autistic dude therefore even now I can't understand what kind of "code" or "context" is working in our daily conversations, and it always annoys me seriously. When I was a lonesome teenager, I thought that it could happen because people were completely stupid or irresponsible. Yes, they were like sheep to me therefore they needed an ultra-wise leader who could enlighten them. Oh my!
But, I ask this to myself. How can I treat my inner mood (as The Style Council says, "My Ever Changing Moods")? Because the mood in me always drives me toward completely random directions or irrational behaviors. Yes, before blaming others as random or foolish, I had to face my inner humanity or animalness which can control this self. Should I affirm that kind of animalness as a really cute essence? Or I should try to become like a machine?
Now, besides the people of my group home (the main admin and the sub admin), there are plenty of friends I can trust. Communicating with them, I have found that they have tried to "read" what I have been telling. Those precious connections have taught me that I should bring back my true faith/belief in this world/society again.
Once, for me, people must have been kind of empty bottles therefore we need to fill them with various knowledge as education. But now, I feel that in ourselves there must be dignities, and humanities as jewels/crystals (although, even now, I am "trying" to believe so to overcome the horrible trauma in my unconsciousness).
