BGM: Kazufumi Kodama feat. UA - 月光ワルツ
I worked late today. This morning, during I was reading Kayoko Yamazaki's journal (山崎佳代子『ベオグラード日誌』,) I suddenly got this idea. How could everything be if I could live my life without any negative factors? In other words, I tried to dream/imagine the life without any sorrow, any sadness. And, I also thought about the life with a certain perfect drug which can bring us an ultimate state of happiness. I can't see why I have thought about this idea (this is never related to the book's content as I write later.)
I guess - now I have been in a slight depressive state of mind. It can come from the recent incidents I have had to face. The earthquake, the airplane accident, etc. Therefore, that depression has disturbed me to read anything. The book I have read was about the author, a Japanese poet and also translator, had recorded her life in a country in Europe (and she had had to live with conflicts.) Therefore it contains various sad events as someone's death, departures, etc. It is never sweet, but not "uneasy" one.
She won't blame anyone else so easily/carelessly. Her style of writing I have enjoyed is really, truly gentle. Yes, it's certainly sensitive - She keeps on trying to open her mind (every sense) toward the world. Absolutely, she must have believed that the great, precious (probably infinite) power/potentiality of the concept "hope."
And - suddenly, as I have written above, I have got the idea. How could it be if I could live with a strongly, ultimately happy state of mind anytime (yes, it can be called as euphoria.) Indeed, I have to read Greg Egan's short story "Reasons to be Cheerful" to think about this more deeply... Once I had thought that any perfect drugs must be the last way to live this miserable f--king life happily. At that time, tuning/controlling my poor brain to the greater state could be only one "actual" way for me to live a better life.
But now - I have this idea. If I couldn't use any black color when I try to draw a pic, the pic would become really a flat, truly colorless one.
