TBH, although I feel this is shameful, I think that there is a really "low" wall between death and life in my mind. No reason, but when I get bored or tired, I have an idea like "everything is over" and "I want to die soon". Of course, it's just a silly and instant idea (I know how I am rugged because I have been treated like this myself for 48 years). But when I was a heavy drinker, this wall was lower than now and I even thought that "the time was wrong for me", "I want to die with alcohol", and "If I could bear in another time again, then I would like to be happier". These ideas make me feel embarrassed again.
Still heavy snow affected us. Yesterday we had the "danshu" meeting on LINE as a "remote" meeting, and a new member also came so we could enjoy it. In this "danshu" meeting, I talked about my personal life and the memories of when I was a heavy drinker. Although I feel the same idea when I write this diary, to write and confess can make our "unseen" things or "unknown" opinions which were in our minds clearer. Learning that kind of "unknown" ourselves would become a great curing for us. So we have to be open to that "unknown" ourselves and accept it however it would be. Wait for that steadily, and be open. Don't worry. I have to live just for today. I never drink alcohol just for today.
This afternoon, a friend of mine who is connected with me through the meeting about autism shared a pic. The pic of the bud of Sakura. I guess that it was taken at AEON I often go to, but I have never seen that bud so got impressed. Although it is a big cold wave that would come once in a decade, Sakura is waiting for the coming spring with that bud. The everlasting scenery of nature and its slow movements of it made me think that our human being's fast movements are in contrast. How will I spend my time when Sakura will bloom? I would enjoy Sakura watching instead of reading books. Under a Sakura tree, turning my smartphone into manner mode, I would spend the time doing nothing... but I'm a bookworm so would bring Nietzsche or Wittgenstein there.
Afternoon break I spent time with Motoharu Sano's "Rock'n'roll Night". I remembered I had adored the youthful days this song describes. When I was a teenager, I expected how my life would be when I become an adult. At least, I had a certain hope because I would be able to escape from being bullied or misunderstood... and I found that my 20s and 30s were more terrible because of alcohol addiction. At that period, I never imagined that I would quit alcohol and start writing my diary. How could it be possible? I guess that I would start another event when I become my 50s. Maybe I would start agriculture... Ah, I remembered that I had wanted to live until my 40s. So the fact that I am still alive is really precious. I would live until my 100s as an anarchy old dude.
