BGM: Number Girl - U-REI
Tomorrow, next Sunday, I and my parents are going to have lunch at a restaurant Izawa no Sato. I remember that I started living in my group home, and being apart from my parents. It has passed for a long time. Can I say that I have become a good son? Once when I lived with my parents, I had a huge inferiority complex. I couldn't earn enough money to live alone (at that period I strictly believed that earning enough would be a sign of being an individual) so threw my life away and just drank a lot. One day, I stopped drinking because of a headache and thought "if I drank again, my life would end in my 50s or lesser". It made me feel really sad. Sad, and pitiful... it wasn't made from any logical thinking. I just felt sad because I had never written any good novels. I had never done any great achievement... so I started quitting alcohol with the "danshu" meeting. That decision was the beginning of my new life.
Ah, what a hard life! This afternoon I enjoyed Tokyo Shonen's songs again and remembered that I had adored youthful days like Tokyo Shonen's songs. Bittersweet romance, club activities, and studying... but actually I was treated as a creep at the club I joined so quit that. And I pretended to be dead in a classroom with no club activity. I just went to the library and spent my free time with the novels Motoyuki Shibata had translated. Once we Japanese had a nice word "Nekura", the word to describe negative people. I was a true "Nekura" so made no friends. I recorded the radio programs by Sanma Akashiya or Kenji Ohtsuki and enjoyed listening with my tape recorder. Maybe that was the reason I always have a sense of humor. I might be a natural-born anarchist.
Probably because of that "Nekura" character, I have never had any romance. I even thought that "I never want to be a foolish adult who is satisfied with silly and nonsense friendships". Ah, what bold and proudful thinking. Staying in solitude and living alone would be an independent... I had thought like that. Now, I think that "what is the key to being independent?". Shinichiro Kumagaya said that "Making more connections is the key to being independent". Now I have many connections with my group home's staff, the members of the "danshu" meeting, the clues of the meeting about autism, the English conversation class (and the friends of Shiso International Association), Discord, and MeWe, etc. Those connections supported me actually. It says that I am never lonely, living in solitude. It would be the counter of being an individual. I accept that critical opinion. Then, what should be the meaning of being an adult?
The evening I got a LINE message from a girlfriend. Last year we lost an ultra-violent novelist Kenta Nishimura, and a TV station showed a special program about him. She said how about writing my novel... it is a really precious recommendation but I am basically an autistic person so can't keep one idea for a long time. I guess that writing novels need a tough spirit to keep on having something steadily, so it is impossible for me. Diary needs just writing every day's ideas step by step so it suits me I think. But another person praised my writing and recommended me new things to write. I want to read Kenta Nishimura's masterpieces... when I read his journal, I got impressed and interested in his crazy life and stoicism. This must be a miracle to make me go forward. I hope reading his books would be the beginning of my new life.
