2022/10/12 English

I talked with staff from my group home about my failure. I have to think about my style of daily life again, from the beginning. Relying on my parents... and I thought that I couldn't separate from them, and live on my feet independently. But I don't want to lose my style, my way of "doing what I should do". If I could vent, I would say that "everything is crap and I want to die", or "I never want to work, or even stay alive"... But it was not any way of gentlemen. So I "do what I should do" and choose to live.

I got some paper about the festival which I once wrote. I have to send the translated draft in English to the city. She said that I could translate freely, so it would test my innovation I thought. I was not in any happy or delightful state, but the idea came to me when I started listening to Fishmans' album and trying to translate it. This attitude, just doing what I should do even if I had no motivation, is what I've learned from my work. I want to make a shape to that. I want to use the dictionary I used at my parent's house if I can.

This morning I attended the meeting at Saikouji, nearby my house. I confessed the topics about Haruki Murakami and my failure and so on. TBH I vented the idea of suicide at last... but I won't do so. If I did, that would become denying our friendship (I have a lot of friends on Facebook, Discord, and other social media). The other members said I could vomit my negative thought so I said totally. Yes, I will live. My body wants me to live, and the world also wants me to live. My friends wait for me. I felt that.

It was a really busy day off. TBH this night I had to attend the meeting about the city festival at the city office, but I was exhausted and depressed so quit it. I slept soon... these 47 years of life had told me that life won't be "always getting the win". I sometimes lose (my life was really full of losing completely!) If I lost, I would accept and clean up the result and wait for the next morning. So I should eat and sleep well. Then, the next morning must come.