BGM: R.E.M. - Why Not Smile
At this lunchtime, I checked Facebook and found that a Russian friend Victoria was referring to me. She was talking about the sense of humor, the power of smiling. It was really "once in a blue moon", and also really like a grateful response for me. Really thankful... And I thought "Why? Why this can happen?" and "What is this real world which offers such a grateful event like this?". 10 years ago, I could never imaging this would happen in my life, my future. I sobbed a little because of happiness. Some would say that MEN like me shouldn't show their tears in public, but please "leave me/us alone". I want to sob, so let me do so... I have survived really, truly hard periods/eras until now. Being bullied in schools, being treated as an alien/creature, being suffered from alcoholic... The days I even thought like "I wanna end this life". But I have lived through those events... Some people are really sweet for me. I can feel that my server on Discord also has really nice members. What a wonderful world/life.
Victoria asked us this question. "Looking backwards, do u feel that your sense of humour change?". I want to answer this. When I was a child, I was into a Japanese legendary comedy group Drifters. The style of Drifters was, in my opinion, "nudging/teasing strong people", not "dissing/hurting weak people". They have made various simulations as schools, companies, and any other groups. The leader of Drifters, Chousuke Ikariya, acted/pretended as a brutal leader (the teacher/boss/leader etc), and other four members tried to nudge/tease him humorously. I dislike harassment jokes/comedies. Indeed, we might be able to make smile/laugh when we see that kind of harassment which hurts someone's inferiority complex. But it also recall me of the past traumatic days. The days/period when I had to surrender by many classmates in a classroom. I was almost "pressed" by it. Therefore, I can't enjoy the current Japanese comedies because it is a little bit homosocial for me (but the quality of modern Japanese comedies are so great).
TBH during my work of today, I suddenly thought "what would I do if today were the end of my life?". Yes, if it were the end of everything... Then I felt the emotion of "I wanna live more". I want to live and do more. I have never achieved/realized the dream of becoming a bridge person. And I have more books and people to encounter... TBH once I believed that "I can end this life anytime, any moment". "If I wanna end this life, it's OK. Because my life is mine, not anyone's. I can control/manage my life my own freely". But now, I think like this. My life, my existence is not only my things, but also other people's things. They care my life, my existence. If I threw my life freely/violently, it would mean I am an egoistic person. I have been connected/supported by many people (For example, our server "World's End Pharmacy" on Discord has 100 members). I am co-working with other friends who are helping/supporting my life, my existence. I am not only mine... Yes, it would sound a little bit tautological. But this idea helps me not to hurt myself anymore.
After today's work, this evening I had a meeting on ZOOM. We talked about "what are the things for you which has changed 360 degrees by corona?". During this corona period, I started using this ZOOM. Now I can enjoy various meetings at various place on that ZOOM. It is one of the big changes for me. But also I say that I have never worked at remote during that period because I am an "essential worker". The workstyle of mine has not been changed by that... I talked about that. I also think about the struggle of vaccination. Yes, I had wondered walking/struggling within huge confusion of rumors as "vaccine lets you die soon" and "we/they can't say it must be safe". I had read a lot of pieces of conspiracy stories about vaccination. How can I manage myself as a calm, sane person? If I am normal for you, then that is because of YOU. YOU support me a lot by reading this journal and more... I want to say thank you. I slept soon because I had to work early, and also attended that meeting. I wanted to attend Victoria's meeting on ZOOM which was held AFTER that "360 degrees" meeting. SEE YOU NEXT TIME!
