BGM: Eels - Grace Kelly Blues
Caution: This journal has a really dangerous trigger "suicide" so be careful for reading.
Today I worked late. This morning, at the LINE group I belong to I found a news a friend had shared to us. Hyogo prefecture, where we are living in, started to make a system of "gatekeepers". The "gatekeepers" are the people who try to help the people who have serious mental sickness which drive them to death. I read it and thought a lot. "What would I do if I was driven to suicide?", or "What would I do if my precious friends were suffered from their fatal problems?"... I remember this. About over 10 years ago, the period I had been writing more negative, terrible journals every day, a person had commented about them on his website really kindly. Although I couldn't have answered to him because I was just a coward, I tried to write an e-mail to him. "I started a new social media account. I wanna invite you". Then his younger sister answered me as an e-mail. It told me hat he had chose suicide and now has passed away. I stopped my thought, and cried at last.
As I wrote yesterday, recently I am thinking about that suicide issue. When I was a teenager, A Japanese writer Wataru Tsurumi had written a manual about "complete suicide". He declared that "suicide is OK" in that book. It became a million seller/bestseller book. TBH I had bought that book, and read and started thinking "Suicide is great" and "Why shouldn't I chose die if I wanna die?". That was a medicine/pain killer for me at my teenage terrible days. Although this might sound strange/weird, I tried to simulate my death by suicide clearly by reading that book and got a power to live on paradoxically. Imagining my death, the end of my life exactly worked as providing the idea of "limited my life". That idea made me think that I should live this life preciously because it has a certain limit (Does this sound like Heidegger or Sartre?). And I became a college student, and I confessed my friends about that suicide manual, and noticed that "fine people never think about suicide". I had to face the distorted troubles in my life, my way to here...
I have lived such a troublesome life so I can never say "You should live" and "Never kill yourself" strongly/cruelly. And also I don't want to say "You can choose death anytime" and "Suicide is OK". I have watched a lot of people who have said "I wanna die" and "I can't go anymore". TBH I was once the person who had said "I can't live anymore" and "Why can't I choose suicide?". I had cried a lot on the internet... But I never want YOU to choose death. Egoistic? It can be. Or I am just a hypocrite or ignorant person. I might be a childish simple man... But I must feel sad if YOU die. YOU might say these things. "My life can never be related with yours" and "It's up to me how I live my own life". Of course, YOU are right. Even if YOU lived in the real hell, I couldn't solve all of your problems. That would mean that I am just a hypocrite... YOUR words hurt me like that. Yes, I am simple... YOUR words, YOUR smartness hurt that kind of my childish personality.
But... I want to tell you the truth I had gripped in my life. By the experiences of mine which had bee n brought by the days I had lived in MY real hell. YOU are not alone, this is the truth I had gotten. My life, My being is not just mine. I have been supported/helped by various people. Once I had been a terrible lonely heavy drinker who had lived as a living dead, but I also had tried to survive this life with the connection of the meeting about autism. And also I had sought for the relationship on Discord and other services. Although this might sound as "the scolding ABOVE you", but I want to say that "You shouldn't give up"... But I need more words to explain this. Now, various people worry me. They sympathize to me... They also smile/cry with me. "BULLSHIT! You are just lucky and that's all"... YOU would say so? Oh no, I wanted to write about Eels, one of my favorite rock band which gives me a certain power against suicide, but I couldn't.
