I remembered a past memory. It was when I was a college student. The teenage period of being bullied had already passed, but it gave me a certain hardship of living, and I couldn't understand why my life was so hard to live and enjoy. I had never known about the fact that I was an autistic person. I posted an e-mail to a mailing list like this. "Why shouldn't we commit suicide? If we hoped so, then we could do it. Is it wrong? I also want to die". Some members sent me e-mails to stop me. Ah, I was really stupid.
I should have known this. If I lost my beloved person or my friends, then it could give me really a huge shock. It can't be treated as a tiny one. I was really closed in my world and watched my sickness. Now I can understand that. Indeed, now I sometimes think about suicide. But I am different from the past. I have important friends in my life, near my group home. Once I imagined that my death could be laughed at or praised by some people who bullied me, but now I can feel that important people are there. I can feel that on my skin. I won't give up living this life for some dumb reasons.
Ah, I might think that I treated my life as an easy one. I might think that my autism was not a serious problem... Anyway, blaming myself only can lead to no creative solutions. Of course, I reflect on myself to never do this again. I have to talk about this with my staff to solve basic problems. This kind of recovery might come from the meetings about autism I guess. The people I met there have taught me... I might be able to walk forward. I am alive so I want to think about how to survive.
Our city will have a festival there. I was offered to work as a volunteer there. I will work there as a translator with an ALT teacher who I have known as a teacher of English conversation class. I have never worked as a translator but I accepted it because easy English is OK they said. Various events happen. I react to them. Days go on... Has My English grown up when I started writing thoughts in English on my memo pad? Remembering meeting Judith, I can feel that English always helps me. I can feel pleasure when I commit to activities in English. Pleasure rules everything... it's OK!