Today I found a piece of sad news. It told me that a famous Japanese actress Sayaka Kanda had passed away. It might be because of suicide... the situation itself says so, I heard. This news made me sad because the idea of committing suicide was once very friendly for me. I lost a lot of my mind's mentors as Kurt Cobain, Elliott Smith, etc... and even I was once a person who tried to kill myself. I wish that piece of sad news was just the mistake of someone's bias. But anyway, the topic of suicide drives me crazy...
Have you ever felt the darkness inside yourself? I always listen to the voices in me. It attacks me as the paranoiac voices as appearing in Radiohead's song "Planet Telex". I should die... of course, I won't die. Because I feel that this body, this warm object always keeps on trying to stay alive. It works for 24 hours. My stomach lets the meals I eat out and also gets another one in. My head tries to refresh my mind and tries to think of another positive idea.
Staying alive... just it is important. A Japanese great writer Ango Sakaguchi said so as writing about a friend of his, Osamu Dazai's suicide. Yes, just staying alive and keeping on being. This might be beyond our minds and logic. But, the reason for being alive can be the fact of our bodies' desire. My body starts crying if I feel a piece of sad news. My mind starts thinking if I start crying.
Nowadays I started reading Fernando Pessoa's novel "The Book Of Disquiet". I like Pessoa's this masterpiece because he won't hide his weakness and struggle. He must have high intelligence and therefore he had to live a hard life. But anyway, he didn't commit suicide. I adore him so I start writing like him. This can be a novel. You must say no... but I am not interested in stories of "Boy Meets Girl". I just write my truth and philosophy. I hope you enjoy this writing!