BGM: New Order - World in Motion
I have been learning what philosophy can be from Wittgenstein. The ABC of that... and also how to live this life (his books have several lifehacks). He writes this in his "Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus". "The world is independent of my will". In my reading/opinion, this can mean that "the world moves and never cares how I worry/wonder the things in this world actually". This idea is really great for me because I had experienced a "Wittgenstein-like" event like this. It was when I was a high school student, and I had wanted to share my taste of music therefore I entered the broadcasting club in the school. But at there, I had to be isolated by all of the members. They hated me terribly. Why? What did I do to them? Should I apologize to them for the reason why I couldn't understand? I can't remember... Anyway, it has still been a piece of painful trauma. My behavior and taste of music became some triggers to them to hate me, and they never gave me any opportunity to me to apologize that. Ah, it's really the Nine Inch Nails experience. "Everyone I know goes away in the end" (from Nine Inch Nails "Hurt"). If I do single mistake, they leave. I have to be alone. I can't say any excuses to say sorry...
I never trust the concept as "Be strong enough to defeat the bullying" or "Be tough enough to live alone by yourself". The idea of revenging that bullying by a kind of violent solution doesn't sound real/actual for me (and if I could "revenge" or "defeat" the situation, I would learn "I should trust my violent power only to solve the problem" or "It's good to 'beat' someone by physical power". It's dangerous/hurtful idea for me). And also, I don't want to support the idea of "enduring the bullying by escaping to someone's own space/world". That doesn't sound great for me. If I did that solution to survive the problem by myself alone, then I couldn't got any self-esteem which the communication with others must afford me. Me, even after that period, even at the college days I couldn't "open" my mind/heart to someone else. Yes, I worried a lot by thinking "This person must hate me" and "This person will leave me alone one day". This idea disturbed me to make any friends so I had to live an isolated life with serious depression. As you know, at that period no one bullied me. I was the person who made me isolated.
And now... I can feel that I can have been connected with a lot of heartful friends. I can actually/certainly feel that they won't leave me alone. As you know, I am just an imperfect person, so I make a lot of mistakes and also show the uncool/pitiful figure. But my friends accept them. I can feel the "bond" (in Japanese, we call it "kizuna"). "You are OK" and "Be yourself"... I can feel these messages so I show my real/true self. I can show shameful myself. Indeed, if I do the mistakes, I feel "OMG" and "Ouch". But the people/friends won't leave me. I know that. They won't deny me completely. This "kizuna"... No, I have never written this "kizuna" on paper to make any contract with my friends, so we never check the existence of this "kizuna" at all. So if I tried to think deeply/carefully, I would reach the possibility of being isolated/denied tomorrow even though we have been bounded by that "kizuna". Tomorrow, they could throw that "kizuna" away, and we couldn't be friends anymore... But that's too unreal idea. Indeed, I have been suffered by that idea. But if I referred to the issue of possibility, then I had to say that "the possibility of ending this life suddenly by heart attack must not be zero". That's not wrong, but I want to follow the spirit of "Take it easy", "Let it be", and "Que Sera Sera". Now it seems going alright, so I trust the current state. They never leave me alone.
Today I spent my day really lazily. I couldn't read Sartre's "Nausea", and also never watched any movie (I am interested in the movie about Brian Wilson on Amazon Prime Video). The evening I sent a message about my dream to my parents. "I wanna be a bridge, and be one of the staff/people who connects this town and the world". My mother lined me as a return one. "Thank you for the e-mail. Good luck!" I'm glad to remake this "kizuna" again. Yes, it is a pleasant event among us. I think about another possible meaning of the quote "The world is independent of my will" by Wittgenstein. This is just my reading, but I can feel that I am beyond this tiny, small brain in this vast world... There must exist the big, really big world. That even enrolls me... It might sound spiritual, but I can feel this idea fits me. I'm not alone, and my existence is also not only by mine. I have been supported by many people. That's a meaning of this life, this "kizuna".
