BGM: 中谷美紀 - フロンティア
It seems that it must be another hard/tough period for me to live on. I sent a message to my job coach on LINE. TBH, I start feeling that it must be a total waste of time to keep on working - I wrote this as honestly as I could. Although I work as hardly/diligently as possible, everyone won't accept my effort. The job coach answered me that I should vent every compliant I have been having in my mind down on any paper. Then, you would find the proper answer (it could become as the decision of quitting my job.)
I remembered this - Once, when I started this career as a flesh person who had just graduated the university, I had even thought that this job must be the final hope for me. If I stop this job, then it will mean that I must be a human trash. Absolutely, completely crap. Indeed, I have worked this job because I have needed money. But this diligent motivation has been also in me.
I had kept a certain, unseen spiritual fire in me. That inner/spiritual fire has kept me moving - Yes, I wanted to show the proof/evidence that I must not be crap. I must be a part of human race (like Radiohead sings,) and even a gifted/talented one. In addition to, I even wished that I could show I am an ultimate winner of my life. A winner - based on a banal concept which every self-help book would love.
And - even though it must be really ironical but now I admit that huge ambition in me could "stop" my actual trials. If I have such a huge ambition, then I would have to see the difference between the ideal and the real - then, how should I do to overcome such a serious gap? I want to write about this next chance someday.
This evening, I enjoyed the last lesson of the English conversation class this year. I remember - as I wrote in this journal, I once had thought that my English wouldn't have been praised by anyone because I had not learned/studied anything in any foreign countries as a student. And from that low, really LOW state, I started improving my skill of English - to this stage I am standing on.