BGM: The Velvet Underground - Here She Comes Now
As I have been already writing recently in these journals... Once, when I was a teenager, my mind had been haunted literally by various delusions. Yes, they must have been poisonous like farts, so I should let out actively to be released, or to be liberated. But, imagine this, please. If you are surrounded by enemies who ALWAYS blame you as you are shameful or cursed, how can you release these poisonous essences to the outside? At least, I should have "saved" them within myself, therefore they started getting rotten in me.
The things I have kept within my mind still smell bad - bad as shit (sorry!). Recently, since 40 years old, I started attending the "danshu" meeting to confess my truths, and my episodes in daily life to be free. I also started joining various groups such as English conversation classes or meetings about autism. In these groups, I have started letting out my thoughts, or in other words, sharing them with my friends.
Of course, that's really great for me. But, I wish... how would it become when I could have met that kind of community in my teenage day? Like a kind of "philosophy cafe"... the place where I can share my inner "crap" which has to be vented out. The "used", "worthless" crap ideas within me... literally, mental farts. But, other members might find another value within them, like used books. Thinking like that, I've found that our life must be strange.
Yes, it must be strange... Now, there are many friends/mates around me. Even now, I can't understand if my writings have any certain values to be read. Sometimes, especially when I am in a terrible depression, I feel that everything (besides my writings and also my existence itself) must be nonsense. But, even though I treat myself as worthless, other people treat me preciously. That's also this life's figure/truth...
Now, many friends guide me in a brilliant direction. Once, when I was alone, I had to struggle against a huge anxiety/doubt toward other people within me. But... everything changes eventually, drastically... like games.
