BGM: Lenny Kravitz - Are You Gonna Go My Way
I am still busy these days. If I could get a certain time, I would like to make up the record of the meeting about autism I had last Sunday, or to enjoy Shuntaro Tanikawa's poems. I have only one body, therefore I have to treat it so carefully that I will have meals regularly, and stay chill when I can. I just want to live more... TBH I have a difficulty to keep on writing this journal because I can't think of the content I should write. Because I started writing poems, and I can't get enough time to write the memo for this journal. My stock is already empty. I should write comments about the topics/issued on Twitter or Facebook just like a commentator. I have a few topics I am interested in... But it is simply embarrassing for me. I just have to try to "google" to check the background so deeply to add comments on the topics/issues. I have to face the wall of the limit of my ability. I am weak so have no enough vitality and spirit. But it's OK. I have to find the best solution from the cards I got.
I was basically a dumb kid, so had been suffered from really difficult/irrational questions as "Why shouldn't we kill other people?" or "Why is suicide bad?" Although I can't say any good things about them, I just say that "I can't go anymore without understanding them with my mental stomach". We just have to find the answers about them that "fit" us within our mental stomach, so shouldn't try to find any outside certain answers which someone else affords. "Why should the war be prohibited?" or "Why are the drugs bad?"... There questions are also tough for me. In other words, having thought about these questions by myself could be the groundwork of my mind. But I guess that this kind of training of keep on thinking things until they start fitting into your stomach. If we start asking "Why are the drugs bad?", then you can find various ideas as "There must be some 'dark underground societies' in this world which can be enriched the drugs", "We can't say that the people who use drugs aren't the real ones" and "We can't say that drugs should make us happy". Thinking as that makes me funny, and also it would be the training of finding various points of view. But I also have to accept that it has a low performance. It costs a lot certainly. I should accept that fact.
Looking back to me... I find that I am weak. I can't say that "I am always being myself" and "I don't hide any suspicious or sinful things behind my back". I won't say that I have a stable, strong policy. But I say that I am obeying my "integrity" (although it won't make my career higher or my life richer). The "integrity" means my rule, my common sense which makes me good things in my life. Remembering the "Gaiju Naigo" spirit (having strong attitude with soft/tender reaction). I also remember that person's comment "'enduring' and 'tolerance' are different"... And although this would call some counter opinion (so we need any sensitive discussion), I guess that the people who had that kind of metal "integrity" have created our history from the past. It would recall hate. I should be hated, and kicked... I can see this. But it's OK because I don't want to lie. I just keep on living this life and writing my truth. The compass of my mind is always inside me. I know that there must be a certain, profound rule "outside" me. Philosophy, laws... But my style means just "digesting" them within me until they become mine.
This evening I had a meeting on ZOOM. But my morning work had "used" me a lot therefore I was already exhausted. I slept half, and stayed quiet like a statue. It was a really interesting presentation, so I have to reflect on me again. We talked about the nutrition. The presenter said to us that there must be another problem which means that a certain lack of nutrition causes serious health problem in Japan, although our average life becomes increased. In addition to that, the economic depression (or actually the Japan herself is drastically 'ruining') causes that kind of change of our eating culture. That causes that kind of problem. I remember... once I had been a heavy drinker, I just had ate alcohol without any enough meals. Oh my! Why couldn't that kind of lifestyle hurt my health? Now the staff of my group home supports my health. They check my condition. I need to care my health, and stay sober. I have a certain regret about my drunken days, but it is too late. I just try not to lose my integrity. Now I should stay sober and enrich my poetry. That's what my inner voice is saying...
