BGM: New Order - Fine Time
Today I worked late. This morning I went to the food court at AEON, where I wrote today's poem with the music by Cluster and Eno. After that, I read Shuntaro Tanikawa's poems. I am so maniac that recently I read poems only like this day by day. Yesterday, I was said by the staff from "Hon no Kura" that "How about making YOUR collection of poetry by yourself?". I said at that time "Thank you, but I have just written a few poems only". So I think about that idea. If I can enrich my collection/archive more, then I will make my book of poetry. I also think about the collaboration with a friend of mine who is a YouTuber. Poetry reading, or affording my poetry to the melody he makes... I also think about giving my poems to another friend's painting (but I need her permission). My dream is increasing. I am so simple person that thinking creation like this will make me happy certainly. I remember Kiyoshi Miki, a Japanese philosopher. The ideas which are coming from my mind flood to the world, and they will make others happy (I believe so). That's happiness... I am glad to make my poetry today again.
I started today's work, and suddenly thought of the idea "Someday I'll die". Indeed, it's not today. But I had kept on drinking so heavily with having the idea that "I can die anytime" and "I wanna die soon", so I can feel that my body becomes wrong partially. Now I think that "I wanna live more". Living more, and writing what I have experienced. I want to live as long as possible, and more and more. I want to make my book of poetry collection, and also try to read my ones actually by myself. How about opening my voice on any podcast? If I got time, I would do what I could do. But then, I need to say to myself as "Live more" and "Stay firm". Indeed, once I had lived really lazily with the emotion of "I wanna die" and "That's over". But that day, that moment... since the time I was said that "Your English is really clear" and "Very cool", I walked a long way until here. At last, I started making my own poetry in English. Luck always rules us, but I want to sing my songs as loud as possible until this life's end, with burning my fire fully.
But... I am basically lucky because I could have lived until now. I have lived a really troublesome, chaotic life. From my childhood I have had to face the difficulty to live. I even had to be bullied. After that, I joined a university but I couldn't make any friend... and I also had to struggle with my work. Because since I had found that I am autistic, my bosses couldn't understand what the autism was (but I don't want to blame them because the concept of autism was unknown yet). I had to live those hurtful days. Everyday I drank a lot of alcohol, and thought that I would die at my 40 (like Franz Kafka). After that, I met my friends finally. That brought me the support of job coaches and also the meeting about autism. My life changed actually. I had lost my whole hope in future within the first 40 years of my life... but now I can live a happy life. That makes my life "even". I want to write these things into my poems. I once had been soaked into my wishes/daydreaming, and thought "But I can't do so" and "I have no skill of realizing that". If I were in my 20s and 30s, I would live without making any poems like now. I would live not to be hurt, just running away from actual troubles.
Then, I think that now I am really "brave" and "courageous". The reason why I started writing my poetry was just the emotion had moved me as "I wanna write MINE". In other words, anyone never asked me to do so. Now I am showing my crap to the world... Today I worked 8 hours so got exhausted. After my work, I posted the rewrote version of today's poem in my blog, and slept a lot (my vitality got empty). Life seems long so I don't want to be hurry. I want to read global poetry, and also learn from great hip hop. How about writing free verse and proses besides sonnets? My dream/ambition seems unlimited. I must be a dreamer. But I can't have make them realized by any actual solution. When I had made our little magazine, we couldn't keep a good relationship so broke up. I threw the writing of mine at that period away (I couldn't love my writings, and myself either). Now I have many friends. If I get time, I read my poetry again, and also try to record them. That might be the beginning.