BGM: Tokyo No.1 Soul Set - ヤード
I am really a simple person. In this morning, I felt anxiety as usual. "Can I spend today as a great day?". "Today would be a miserable day"... But anyway, I went to my workplace. At the locker room, I try to listen Battles's "Atlas" to make my mood. I am basically just a coward. So, I decide to go to work as "I just have to do what I do to build an usual result". And I try to let everything go... and I notice the fact I am having a lunchbox at lunchtime with Denki Groove's music. I always wonder why I can work as usual every day. But there is a clear fact that "I can't predict today without trying to do my work". And if I try, then I can "make a miracle" of "I could have done!". The experiences I have build for over 20 years are alive and supporting me.
At the lunchtime, I watch the timeline on Twitter. I can still read the tweets about Kenzaburo Oe and Ryuichi Sakamoto. They are exactly the artists who work globally, and also hated by some Japanese in this country. I guess that is the reason why they are a kind of intellectuals who speak English. This might be too "simple" idea, but our society often hates "outsiders". The heresies who distort the harmony of this society must be treated as those outsiders. So they, certain geniuses, should be hated naturally. There must be a emotion of jealousy or envy... I think that they must be "crap". We can judge the person's value unless his/her skill of English. Or, I would start learning English if I envied their skill of English. Sakamoto and Oe must be the pioneers who started from nothing basically.
But, indeed I am now just saying as a bigmouth, but once I certainly lived with full of jealousy and envy in my past days. Yes, I am still having various inferiority complex. I can't speak French even if I try to do so. And I have short legs and not good at doing sports. A friend of mine has a smartness and therefore she is a member of Mensa. Once, I certainly had jealousy for that smartness. It was foolish... I shouldn't adore to be a different person, but just try to live with the attitude of "Be Thankful for What You Got". I had to live a long time to understand that... and now I think. If the past myself looked at the current myself, the person who speak "you should start learning if you have jealousy to the fluent speaker", then the myself would diss myself as "it's just the strong people's logic"? It sounds weird. I could be born again?
If that is true, then why I could be born again? It might be because (probably I am remembering only the "sweet" memories for me, not all of the memories honestly) I started attending the "danshu" meeting or the meeting about autsim, and trained myself with a lot of friends. I have shown this miserable myself, weak and shameful myself... but it worked as a good lesson for me, who was just a coward on Twitter who just showed myself as a perfect critic. Now, I accept this person as a "true" myself. Yes, I often hate myself, or irritate with this autism. But now I can feel the "self-esteem" from myself like a spring. I just have to stay myself. Now, with a certain warmness of a spring day, I can feel "everyone is precious" as a primal truth. That's OK. Thinking that, I enjoy Tokyo No.1 Soul Set's music.