BGM: Frank Sinatra - Fly Me To The Moon
Suddenly I remembered the days I drank really heavily. I had irritation and impatience as "during I am spending my time with such a silly thing" in my mind. I learned a novelist I had met and connected with on Facebook was making success in her career and realizing her dreams step by step. Yes, her daily life was really amazing and full of positive things for me. That brought me huge jealousy... I can remember that. My life was never full of interesting events as usual so I just had to drink for solving stress. I hurt myself with "during I am doing this silly duty, the novelist is going forward certainly step by step". I shouldn't have impatience in me, and also shouldn't compare my life with others. Now I am living my life steadily, and it is because my friends from the "danshu" meeting and other meetings support me.
Jealousy... once I was into Twitter and always dissing someone else. I tried to pretend I was a great net critic. I remember the quote "Pay no attention to what the critics say. There has never been a statue set up in honor of a critic" (but I want to go to see the statue of great Walter Benjamin if it were built). Now I reflect on myself and think that the feeling of "why am I not accepted as a great one?". Yes, certainly it's jealousy. So I want to face other people's products as fair as possible in this diary. I never trust "bitter reviews". A great gifted talent would make real "bitter reviews" possible, which makes me read them and be impressed. At least, I am not gifted to write such great "bitter reviews".
This afternoon, after I had dinner I thought I didn't want to read, so I did nothing but listen to James Brown's concert. I thought spring would come again. I don't like spring to be honest. As the mood gets warm, my mind loses its calm and it would be scattered. My doctor would say that "that is a kind of emotional disorder from changing seasons". With the cure's music, I have to endure this season. I would enjoy Motojiro Kajii or Fernando Pessoa... but I never want to eat too much, drink alcohol again, and buy things a lot. I have done such things once and lost trust in myself so I can't promise I never do them again. Especially spring is the season with "watch sakura with liquor" or "spring beers!".
The night I went to the English conversation class, where I learned the way to greet and enjoyed some games. The two teachers seemed they had already done their hard work daytime. But they use funny gestures and clear voices and told us interesting English. They are really pro! I am deeply impressed. I joined the game and talked about "two truths and one lie". I lied that I had learned politics at my university (actually I learned English literature). In small talk, I wondered how to describe the Japanese food "Ankimo", but I was a little bit embarrassed to rely on my smartphone only so I tried to explain it as "a Japanese popular food. A liver of fish. People say it is really delicious in this season." Could I have done well? I can't see... I feel thankful for the chance of learning English like this. After that, I went back and enjoyed Frank Sinatra's songs. That's life.
