2022/11/21 English

This morning I went to the hospital and saw my doctor. I talked about the memory of yesterday. I attended a meeting and felt depressed, and thought that I have to learn how to "endure" hard times. After that, I got medicines and went to Aeon. There, I spent time with Susumu Sogo's book. A sad feeling came to me again and made me think that I would be OK. I'm having negative thinking or pessimism as the base so I think that life is sad or hard anyway. Once I thought that heavy music like Radiohead and Nine Inch Nails ease me, but now I am attracted by Tom Waits' ballads. I certainly am attracted by the art which looks at the basic sadness of our lives. I have to learn from Yasujiro Ozu's movies.

This afternoon, I had lunch and took a nap as usual, after that I went to the temple near my home. I attended the meeting there. Members confess their hardships by autism or any problems, and the topics went to the difficulties and enjoyments of our lives. I have been learning a lot from these meetings. We have a member who was once hikikomori and now is trying to help them. So their stories make me confess my serious memories. Me, I had spent my 20s and 30s as a heavy drinker and survived by now. I don't want to remember it, but it certainly becomes a useful thing for us.

At that meeting, we talked about the relationship between our parents and us. I confessed that relationship. My parents didn't accept my activity... they once believed that I should earn more money, have families, and build my home. I can't earn as them so they denied me heavily. Of course, I don't have any anger about that. I thought that I wanted to be apart from my parents, but now I respect them because I must be a "difficult" son to bring up. I am now 47 and want to show them respect and thanksgiving.

This evening, I thought that I would do nothing and just stayed in my bed. or read Susumu Sogo's book... but finally, I watched Stuart Murdoch's movie "God Help The Girl". When I was young, I used to record my favorite songs on various cassette tapes and give them to my friends. Of course, they did no offers. I only wanted to show my taste. That kind of young ambition was exactly in me. This movie reminded me of that memory. A really sophisticated one. After watching it, I spent time with Stuart Murdoch's band Belle and Sebastian's songs.