BGM: Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc.
It was a day off. This morning I felt so depressed. Although I thought I would share this feeling on LINE with friends, it was heavy, so I couldn't do so. I had no reason to feel depressed. But I could say that I remembered my past terrible days and even felt sorry for being alive in this world like this. Once Pili, an English teacher for me told me that "you should love yourself". I remembered that. Yes, once the woman I certainly had loved said to me like that. "why do you blame yourself so terribly?". It is correct, and I have tried a lot since then and am getting used to treating myself fairly. But I sometimes feel depressed like this.
Suddenly I learned that Judith had opened her room on clubhouse. I joined and talked with her a lot. I had not made any draft so I tried to confess my truth with a complicated mind. Judith recommended I find the "trigger". Why do I feel so depressed? What does bring to me the trauma? If I found them, then I could try to face them. Me, they might be the situation of "a fine day" and "a day off". As I always write, I can't feel better when it would be a fine day and a day off for me, because they remind me of the memory I had drank a lot with terrible desperation. I could nowhere to go... I decided to talk about this to my staff of the group home and also my doctor.
This afternoon I went to Izawa no Sato with my parents. I was told that my parent's friends had got surprised at my diaries in Japanese and English on Facebook, and my parents had an interest in Facebook even though they are already in their 80s. I talked about the really busy New Year's season and the recent heavy snow. We enjoyed ourselves. But somewhere in my mind the depression remained, so after I went back to my room I slept a lot. Yes, I listened to a really heavy Godspeed You! Black Emperor's music. After that, I found I got recovered so went to the library to borrow Kenta Nishimura's book, and I read Minoru Betsuyaku's "Wandering Tokyo". "Wandering Tokyo" was a funny book and also sleeping well brought me a better feeling. I should sleep usually.
This evening I read the rest of Kenichiro Mogi's "The Brain and Imagination". His straight style of explanation impressed me and I also thought the enigma/mystery of my memory. I think about my memory. When I go to my workplace and start working, or when I write something like this, moving my fingers and hands actually brings me various ideas, and they recall my memories to go the work or writing forward. I even feel that my memories are in my body certainly, not in my mind. I wrote about that enigma/mystery. After that, listening to Ryuichi Sakamoto's new album "12", I read Hisaki Matsuura's essay about the light. I found that it was a calm day off, and felt that I am always changing one can have different ideas between yesterday and today. I can say that I am amorphous.