2022/11/04 English

Today I worked late. This morning I thought about my life. When I was a child, I wanted to be a novelist. I strictly followed Rilke and Kafka, and I thought that I couldn't live without writing... Finally, I had to face the fact that the dream wouldn't come true. But I am writing like this, and I will keep on writing. I met various great people and enjoyed pleasant events. It won't be denied. Now I want to realize the project of the job coach, and also learn English. Life is so long so I shouldn't hurry. I want to become what I adore.

My father invited me to go to the restaurant near my home. I want to go there with him on a day off. I thought about my father. I felt sad when my father didn't admit the effort at my job. So I once hated him... now he admits my effort. It is glad for me. I can't earn money like him, and can't build a family. That is real, but I did my best and that might knock his mind. Reunion... sounds like old literature like Paul Auster's novels.

Reading Susumu Sogo and listening to Jazz. I thought about why Jazz eases me, but any clear answer will not come to me. But it can be said that musicians show their awkward and cool ethics and isms on their notes. Today I did my work by listening to Dave Brubeck's "Take Five". I choose now instead of the past days. When I was too young, I couldn't see what life should be like. I was too immature and pure. Now I have built my way of life certainly so I can go my way.

Suddenly I found an article on a blog. "When you were 20, what did you do?". Me, I was already disappointed in my life when I was 20, so I didn't celebrate my 20. I didn't attend the ceremony because it was just troublesome. I can't remember what I was doing at that age. I can't believe that I exactly lived the days in my 20s. But there must be days (I must read Paul Auster's books), and they are connected with now. I want to watch the movie "Smoke" which I was impressed at my 20s.