2022/06/12 English

Today was a day off. In the morning I went to Aeon and tried to read books there as usual. But those books told nothing to me. I even thought that I would not be able to understand what they were saying anymore. Of course, I won't say that they were craps. They are the results of great authors' works. But I couldn't understand such great results. I know what books I should read in that kind of situation. Me, they should be Fernando Pessoa's "The Book Of Disquiet" and Yoshikichi Furui's various books. Going back to my group home, I took them from my room.

I started reading "The Book Of Disquiet". With reading, I also tried to write what I thought or wanted to vent to the memo pad I always have as usual. Then my mind gets calm and I can make myself into "battle mode". I felt that my mind and body get warm, and also get excited... Pessoa's style was really nice as usual and it makes me think about tiredness, the emptiness of our lives, and the nonsense itself. I see that I have read this thick book five times. But I can't get bored of this book. Like Yoshikichi Furui's "Karioujyouden Shibun" (I've read this book nine times), it would be the book I might read in my whole life. Ah, what a strange life.

I want to read no brand new books. Even if I went to a library, I would choose always the 'known' authors such as Pessoa, Paul Auster, and Yoshikichi Furui. It's just now is that kind of season by coincidence? Or my sense has been 'got used' because I will be 47 years old? I can't see. When I was young, I read a lot of 'bubbly' new books which were fresh. I couldn't find any charms in classical books. Now I read classics only. About music, I listen to Jazz. Or I like to listen to Goldie, Underworld, and Massive Attack which were once popular in my youthful days. I am getting older like this.

That night, I answered the invitation from Janne and opened a room on Clubhouse. This time I talked about 'danshu' meetings. I had tried to find good jobs when I was a university student. But I couldn't find any good one so started drinking. That haunted me even I found one. I spent my 20s and 30s with a dazed and drunken mind... At that time, I strictly believed that "From a good university to a good company" must be a clue to a sublime life. I couldn't get such a good clue so started drinking... but now I find a certain happiness in good meals at my group home. I can move my body, I can sleep well, and I can eat a lot. Good books and good vibration of music make me move. These provide me with huge happiness. This must be the sign of 'getting older' or 'growing up'.