I started reading Yoshikichi Furui's "The Passage of Chimes". I remember that I will be 47 this year. But even at this age, I have never dated anyone so marriage is a dream. My life has been separated from any beautiful youth. In "The Passage of Chimes", Furui describes the view of death and insight of the people who are precisely getting aged, and that sensitivity impressed me. Me, thinking as "why can my life be like this?" and live in the 50s, and will die. Indeed, 'forever young at heart' might not be cool. But I won't think that 'this life must be boring' is cool. I can feel that this period is easier to live for me, and also it gives me something tasteful.
I have never lived in any youth. I always thought about how to live with this difficulty easier, and read Haruki Murakami's books and also various bubbly books. Philosophical books and literature... and I had tried to keep on living alone. I have never had any chance of romance and just thought that books and music were my friends... Listen to and read, and think about various things. As Chemical Brothers say, 'Dig Your Own Hole'. And I have arrived here. I have a certain pride in this result I have built throughout my life. I make myself so deeper...
I have no good memories of the Shiso city I'm living in. When I was bullied, I even thought that I couldn't go out because it was dangerous. If I went out, there would be the eyes of dangerous classmates... After graduating from the school, I have never met any ex-classmates again. I would not attend anymore. But now I want to support the people who try to make this city cheerful and crowded as a citizen. I remember my childhood. Everyone blamed me and looked down at me... I thought that I never had any permission of being in this world. I had been ashamed of being in this world. But I choose to live. I keep on being alive.
Anyway, I have to live this life. That's all I can do. I don't have anything I want to do so I write my diary and also work. I also read books and think about various things. I am not interested in making money. I just sink into my philosophy and be myself without any wasted effort. But of course, this lifestyle might be hard if I had no will to keep on. In my 20s, I had read Paul Auster and Steven Millhauser. From that period, I have never changed anything in myself. Yes, this life can happen in this world. I want to be called as 'Eric Hoffer in our generation!'... I had such a silly idea.