BGM: 小田和正 "ラブ・ストーリーは突然に"
I talked with a friend in Kyusyu on WhatsApp. I told him that I had read Mari Yamazaki's book, and also said that Mari Yamazaki's toughness in her thinking had the same essence as Brady Mikako's attitude in my opinion. Then he said that he had read Brady Mikako's books, and that made me glad. Mari Yamazaki and Brady Mikako are the creators who are out of Japan and keep on creating globally. He said that he is also thinking about going out from Japan. I thought about my life... going from Japan can be a way of living this life. I thought so. Of course, it can be a very hard way because I have to live with struggling with the walls of languages and cultures.
Although I'm always writing this, reflecting on my life, then I found that the encounter on that day was the beginning of everything when I was at the beginning of my 40s. Before that day, I had a strong regret about being born into this world. Although my parents had brought me preciously, all my classmates had blamed me because of being in this world, and had said to me that I must be an idiot, dumb, and therefore crap. That remained in me as a curse even after graduating the school. I kept on denying myself as "I shouldn't have been born in this world", and "why was I born?"... until that day.
That day... I was told that "we will have a meeting about autism in this city. Why don't you join us?" and I went there to talk about myself. There, I met a woman, and I fell in love with her even if it was a one-sided love. I had a strong feeling therefore been sick. I even had a fit of jealousy with her smartness. What a fool! I should be myself and that's enough. Of course, I am never a perfect person. But it has no paradoxes with the fact that I already have charm in myself. I like reading and keep on thinking philosophically. I already have a charm and a worth to be loved. I can be proud of myself... I have learned this through my 40s, with various people. My 40s are a process of rebuilding the self-esteem that slept in me.
Reflecting on that during my lunch break, I thought that I wanted to ask "how would you think if your children said to you 'I shouldn't have been born'?" to other people through LINE messages. I almost made that as a text, but it should make others confused so I stopped trying that. Ah, once I said to my parents "I want to die", "I shouldn't have been born". What a silly act. Now I create my way, my life, and enjoy it. I'm free from a curse in my past and live this moment, this life. Am I a great child to my parents? I wish so.
