I worked early today. TBH, I couldn't have expected that I would be able to work today toughly as usual because a huge anxiety had possessed me. Even though I can't tell why I have to owe that kind of silly anxiety (although, I have worked for over 20 years), anyway I had to struggle with that troublesome emotion. Now, I look back on that morning event and find this: probably, in my mind, there must be a truly innocent (or, TBH very "naughty") inner child who has always been having a fear toward my actual work. Yes, it must be a very "childish" but important fact for me.
I remember... When I talked about my issues with the sub-admin woman of my group home, completely out of intention, I split to her that I once had been bullied in school and also felt like I was completely abandoned by anyone else, therefore I wanted to be loved or be "spoiled" or "melted" within/by any love relationship fully. In other words, my inner child seems still to be a very "alive" one who still wants to be cared for, even though maybe everyone must have such an "alive" one.
However, I couldn't go back so I started my work, and found that my adult personality essence had come from somewhere, letting me control/move to do my work, and also giving me a certain toughness enough to do it. Writing this, I even tend to "overthink" why this kind of miracle can happen (if I get into a sort of "philosophical inner zone", I even tend to doubt why I can use English as my second language actually).
What actually happened during my work? I try to remember... and find this: I just start moving my body practically to do my work, and then the movement of my body starts affording me a certain feeling. I am now within a flow of this world. Everyone keeps thinking and moving to do their tasks. Cars go somewhere. Music sounds from somewhere, and the time floods endlessly... When I try to stay calm and start thinking about various things, I tend to forget moving my body actually. Therefore, I stop moving. However, probably moving myself forward and backward to do actual/practical things is a sort of key for me to refresh my mind. Like Soul II Soul sings, "Keep On Movin'" is an important motto.
