Today was a day off. This morning I went to AEON and read Yoshio Kataoka's "Coffee calls" with Wes Montgomery's music. Suddenly, I had an idea, "what on earth I am doing here?". Indeed, I basically like reading, but I am just doing this hobby only and not have any family or kids. My life is just wandering from here to there, so it made me down. But then, I should think that the people who are not "productive" can't be there in this world? How about the people who aren't working, or can't work and sometimes treated as a waste? Me, once, I was certainly a NEET, and that situation gave me a certain serious pressure and got sick from that. I want to think that we can live without any productive attitude, and also enjoy our lives, primary.
When I was a college student, at the season that springtime exactly was coming like now, I had a strong depression. It was too early for job hunting, and I couldn't find any good part-time job, so (it was embarrassing but) I relied on my parents' money and did nothing but hangout the whole day, getting bored too much. Now I think that I would go traveling, fishing, or choose to read Marcel Proust's "In Search Of Lost Times" if I had such a boring time. Anyway, I felt a crisis of feeling, "what on earth I am doing?" and had a depression. I entered a university, but I needed to have another, quite a different tactic to survive, and I couldn't find it. It was a really hard time.
At that time, we had a large incident with AUM and I wondered "how should I live this life?" and "what could be the best life for me or this world?". Now, I have found some answers through this life. But anyway, life is basically long, so sometimes people can wonder what they are doing or what they want to do. I am also a lost person. Reading was for me the way to measure myself. Once, in a room of my apartment, I was into Paul Auster's "Moon Palace" and thought about how the main character's fate and his feelings could be. These ideas bring me that I should read Souseki Natsume, a Japanese legendary author who wrote about that kind of "a stray sheep", again. Or I might choose Charles Bukowski.
This evening, I went to the English conversation class. Today, we had a topic that the teachers got injured by skiing, and talked about "how can be the difference of the system of health care". It was really difficult because I have never learned about the system of American health care. I also showed how I don't know about "Obama care". I have to admit this. Once I had my mind closed and just drank a lot every day, so can't remember those miserable days. I can't even remember 3.11 and Fukushima. What a shame... but I said that "American society is based on capitalism, so doctors developed their service for the rich people", "It might be influenced by Neo-liberalism with the motto of 'Only the strong survive'", and "Japan has the tradition of helping each other and we Japanese achieved great safety net". Oh my, what an easy-going like Junji Takada, a Japanese famous comedian.
