BGM: COMPLEX "BE MY BABY"
Today I worked early. I always feel strong anxiety before my work. Minor problems make me down. For example, I worry about the fact that I can't see what I will think about 5 minutes later. Franz Kafka left the quote about his worry as this. "I feel afraid of lifting a cup of milk to my mouth. That cup might be crashed and pieces of that would come to my face" (I learned this from Hiroki Kashiragi's book). This worry is almost the same as mine. If I would die today, what my life could be? That might happen. If my heart stopped...
But I can't go back to my home, so anyway I start my work. Then, at my workplace, something which must be called my 'alternative personality for work' appears. When I look for lewd videos or spend nothing special after a nap, anyway I become lazy, then that personality doesn't appear (I guess he must sleep at that time). But at my workplace, he always comes and does MY work rapidly. I always follow the advice the personality gives me, and do my work (I always say monologue to myself so I can say that he uses my mouth to say his advice to me). I guess this is a kind of split personality, so you might feel creepy but this is a fact. The monologue from my mouth judges everything and I can do my work by the advice by him.
That personality is exactly a hero for me. I trust him exactly. I can't see how that personality treats me, but he might not think that he would swallow me. He doesn't have any desire I guess. As I always write, this is possible because of my professionalism. Am I cooler than I imagine? Then, on chatting on Discord, reading books or writing something like this, that personality also comes and control me. Usually, I think about lewd things or ridiculous ones. But on writing my cosmopolitan or mature personality comes to here. I am never a great person, so I can't see why he is so cool.
Then, I can say that I am just a complex of the personality of following women and making troubles like Park Manther, and the personality of doing my work or writing something with certain professionalism. Is it OK? I am trying not to do pillow talk, so people might only know my 'public' personality, that means my 'cool' and 'pro' personality. But I don't want to show my 'private' and 'ridiculous' personality to others and do pillow talk about favorite porn actress and do something brutally. This is my concern but other people might not be able to understand this. Is it OK?