2022/06/10 English

I started reading Douglas Murray's "The Madness Of Crowds". Quite an interesting book. I have to reflect on myself after reading this. Although this book treats how declaring about being gay or feminist too much can work badly, I remember that I once strictly said that I was an autistic person and was basically a minority. I am an autistic person therefore I am a minority. So I can't get the same right as the majority. Ah, I am a victim... etc. I must stand in such a narrow place. Yes, I have to reflect on myself.

I remember wearing various 'isms' or ideologies as costumes play to live an easier life. I tried to test various thoughts to put in and even try to believe them. When I was a university student, I tried to believe the leftism (or the ultraleft one). After that, I read a lot of books about adult children. In my 30s, I learned about personality disorders. And now I am standing on the autism. But that recognition of autism might work as a fetter? Autism is one of the identities I have. A human being is basically complicated, therefore chaotic.

"Autistic people must live such a difficult life". This opinion might work by declaring "Neurotypical people live such an easy-going life". This thought is based on the opinion of Murray's book says. He says being gay is sometimes treated too beautifully (I heard that Murray is also gay). Of course, that kind of instant conclusion is far from reality. Murray's book tells us that kind of 'the basic fact'. It is written in a clear style, serious book. I want to read more.

Autism is one of the labels to describe me, a person who must be complicated and full of variety. I try to think so. I must be chaotic... Ah, it is like the 'new academism' which was popular in the 80s. But I wanted to learn about that chaos and tried to learn various thoughts to seek more about myself. I looked for myself and dived into many books... now I think that basically, I am an unknown mystery even for me. That's all and it's OK, isn't that? I always try to capture myself by the words like this, but I am also the object that runs away from my words. Everything can change so easily.