2022/08/04 English

BGM: Yes "Owner of a Lonely Heart"

Today was a day that was fine in the morning but changed into hard rain in the afternoon. An unsettled day. I read Minae Mizumura's "Shi-shousetsu from left to right" with Lou Reed's songs such as "Walk On The Wild Side". TBH I have read this novel once. But at that time I was too young to understand why this novel was written horizontally or why this novel was written in both English and Japanese (in short bilingual) completely. Now I think I can see. I can go into this novel if I get used to this talkative style smoothly.

Indeed, this might be too deep reading, but when I read this "Shi-shousetsu from left to right", I can see that Mizumura's enjoyment of finding her own style to write this novel. The enjoyment that she can talk about her truth freely with this style. I guess the truth is that about the divided state of growing up with reading Japanese literature in America or living the lonely life of mental exodus. She wanted to express her loneliness so she needed to take English that creates her thought in her writing in Japanese.

I try to think if I can write MY "Shi-shousetsu from left to right", or my "Less Than Zero", or my "Bright Lights, Big City"... Once, about 5 years ago I tried to write a long novel of mine with the wish it could be a debut novel in public, but a reader had said "you don't seem to be good at this work. Quit", and I quit. Now, how it has changed? All I can write is just this kind of journal or essay, so I have no talent for fighting my monster and keeping writing that as a novel. That can happen. This world has some genius short novels like Barry Yourgrau.

But, this might come from the attitude of ignoring readers, I think that I should write my novel as a detox or cure for myself even if it can't be a masterpiece. "Shi-shousetsu" as my memoir. But I think just writing my experiences only can't be funny, so I might have to write my delusion or daydreaming into it and make that a kind of 'tall talk'. Exactly, like Barry Yourgrau. I want to think about what I can write with other Mizumura's novels. I don't need to hurry. I want to use my imagination freely like Yoko Tawada, more and more.