Today I worked late. In the morning I had been suffered from pressure. I could do nothing. Trying to read some books but I couldn't, and also I couldn't watch any dramas. So I listened to various people talking on clubhouse and eased my mind. I'm a night person so can't handle myself well in the morning... What should I do? I might have to make practice by using clubhouse or sleeping again. Anyway, I should spend my time more easily. At last, I wrote an essay in the group of philosophy on Facebook. Writing something like this makes me feel smooth. I want to write something more.
I read Takashi Uehara's "When my heart crushes". I have to ask the question "Who is me?" again. I can't live without this myself. Wherever I go, this myself follows me. Once, I used to 'play' with a kind of silly quibble that is separated from my existence or my life itself. The person who can use abstract logic to make various solutions for difficult questions... But I started reading Shunsuke Tsurumi and also working, and found that the person who can 'play' with that kind of smart quibble is just a sophist, even if it seems to be cool.
I'm not really smart. At least, my smartness is different from the one which can solve everything by instant opinions Hiroyuki or Takafumi Horie tend to say. I have to think about anything steadily to the point I can accept and 'swallow' its solution by my body. Reading Shunsuke Tsurumi makes me up because he allows that kind of dumbness. He also had survived the war by saying he never kill anyone. Living with this body, not controlling the thoughts by a head only. That embraces and makes me real.
Before the work, my senses work too much. Reading books, I worry if the book changes my life completely. Yes, it can do it. Every book has worth to be reading. Even if it was too patriotic, it might have the seeds which can change a reader's life. But then, the book itself changes their life from outside? Or something in a reader's inner world reacts and changes their life? Ah, today I thought too much again. Not thinking too much, and just let everything go fuzzily. That might be better... I know it but can't stop thinking.
