2023/03/11 BGM: 佐野元春: 誰かが君のドアを叩いている
Today, during the work, I wanted to pray quietly at 2:46 but forgot it. It was 12 years ago... as I always write, I have no memory about Great East Japan Earthquake. These days. I was always bullied by my bosses, and also I had no pleasant moment/event in my private life so I was just soaked into alcohol. Every day, with a drunken mind, "there would be no more good event in my life" so "I want to complete this life", I said these to myself. If I got a days off, I drank alcohol from morning to evening... so whatever happened in this would shouldn't be related with my life. That was a real feeling of mine. Probably, even if aliens tried to invade this earth, or even if this world had to end finally, I at that time would say "so what?" and try to drink more. Yes, it was a terrible incident in our country, but I was such an easy-going person (I use this word "easy-going" intentionally).
A Japanese folk singer, Yosui Inoue sings a young person who died in vain, and it should be more important for him not to have an umbrella than that sad news. It's brilliant in my opinion. Me, I sometimes think that how the connection between "a national incident" and "my tiny life" should be. I never want to "criticize" any situation or incident from the (virtual) higher stage. Because I am not a pro critic or commentator so it would be a kind of shameful or uncool stance I guess. And the firm basis of my life would bring me a better life or enable me to look everything far from here. So all I need to do is just making that basis. So I wanted to write about everything from "tiny" and "imperfect" myself, such as the assassination of Shinzo Abe, an ex-prime minister, and the earthquake of Turkey. Of course, it is different from the trial of thinking like that and the fact if I can do so.
As I always write, when I was drank and spending my days in vain, I just tweeted on Twitter (even during all days). Without reading any book, doing any creative and interesting thing... I can't remember that but probably, I just blamed someone else like "why Japanese politicians are so stupid?", "I am living in a miserable life because I am just a member of ''lost generation". Now, I rarely join in Twitter. I admit that Twitter has a great possibility to change this world if we use it smartly, but at least, I won't "rely on" it. Following Haruki Murakami, I shouldn't rely on social media and spend my precious time with it because it sometimes hurts me as anonymous blaming. I want to spend my time with Shunsuke Tsurumi and Haruki Murakami, and enjoy slow pleasant time with hip hop and rare groove music.
However, I couldn't read any book today. I spent my time with Nirvana's "Unplugged" as usual. I read the dialogue between Shunsuke Tsurumi and Genpei Akasegawa and the concept of "Roujin Ryoku (the power of getting old)" (this is an ironical concept that says getting older would give you various power. Forgetting bad things or losing any wasteful power, etc). I am already 48. I have to face that I often forget my id number of my office or other people's name. I am certainly getting older. Ah, what a life. I am soaked into poverty without any romance or dream. Oh my gosh. But I want to admit that I also got a certain, simple happiness from that bottom of life. I can be connected with the "danshu" meeting, make friends from the meeting about autism, and also I ma having many friends who also learn languages on MeWe and Discord. In a way, I am already a happy person. I really appreciate that fact simply.