I started reading Toshiya Ueno's book "Reading the biographies by thinkers". I used to read Ueno's writings with passion. As a reader, I have learned various things from him. I can't learn difficult knowledge or arguments about philosophy because they often go beyond my understanding, so I tried to learn lighter things like the books or music he likes. Reading "Reading the biographies by thinkers", I can see how he had trained his thoughts by reading a lot of books and listening to music as a serious disciple so I get an interest in his young days.
Ueno takes a denial attitude to "chasing oneself". He suggests that we should distort ourselves by touching the books or texts (yes, exactly "the biographies by thinkers") by others, not looking at ourselves seriously. That kind of renewing ourselves violently by others' writing might be dangerous, but also it can change us drastically from my experience. Once I read Haruki Murakami's books seriously if I couldn't find who I was.
I think like this. He says that our thoughts are (of course, including Ueno's thoughts themselves too) being influenced by others' thoughts. In short, we copy various previous person's thoughts therefore there are no original thoughts. I can remember that I read others' thoughts with passion when I tried to make my thoughts. Thinking following to others' till I can 'swallow' them... whether I can 'swallow' them or can't, that difference might be the unique essence of me.
For me, once 'being myself' was a nonsense concept. I had been suffered from that kind of 'being myself' too much. I wanted to read and think as others' do normally, and I couldn't. Now I accept that attitude of 'being myself' as a lovely thing. This tricky and weird way of understanding things will make me sick, but in myself, I find this way of understanding as a charming one. Yes, it is weird, and therefore lovely. Even if it would not have any piece of originality and just be banal, I want to stay dutiful to my thoughts and write about them.
