Back To Life

Back To Reality

2022/02/19 English

I've finished reading Toshiya Ueno's book "Reading the biographies by thinkers". In this book, Ueno seems to keep on asking "what is me?". "Me" or "Myself"... I'm like this person and it might be one of our secrets or aporia (Ueno writes that I am an illness as cancer). At least, I have been born with this personality so I always should face some uncomfortable feelings. After that, I found that I am an autistic person and also met various friends. Now I can put myself into this world but sometimes I find some strangeness with my friends and should face a certain solitude. Yes, it can be natural and I live with say that kind of feeling to my friend.

Radiohead sings "What the hell am I doing here? / I don't belong here". This feeling is also very friendly to me. In the schools, I had to be put into the tribes because of being born in the same year and living in the same place. I always had to taste the 'uncomfortable' feeling... as Tom Yorke sings, I had to force the feeling as 'I'm a creep'. But why should I think that feeling of being 'creep'? That is because someone says so. If I was satisfied with myself alone, I couldn't think I was a creep.

This uncomfortable feeling might come from the fact that I should live with someone else. I couldn't live on a desert island so I always have to communicate or negotiate with others and think of those others' rights. I should accept those others' opinions or requirements, and also should think of those others' reputations about me. But if I had to consider those others as the world itself? 'Everybody' says "I'm a creep"... if I had to live with that kind of ultimate thinking. At least, I had to live alone with that feeling. It distorted me, but also made me strong...

When I was young, I used to read books by Masahiko Shimada. Now I don't read them but I exactly adored that Shimada described himself as an exodus or a public enemy (like Edward Said?), and also he criticized the Japanese and spread radical opinions. I believed that it must be intelligence... now I think that kind of being an outsider might be a 'childish' attitude. But then, I have to say that 'childish' attitudes are always not wrong. Oh my gosh! I am exactly a creep because I am thinking these kinds of weird ideas!