Back To Life

Back To Reality

2022/02/11 English

Reading Hitoshi Nagai's "The problem of burning posthumous manuscripts", I found that Nagai says he breeds madness in himself. It is a cool expression. I also breed some madness in myself. It should be described as a monster with nasty desire or snobbism. It is hard to care for him well, but it might let me stay normal. It makes me do various silly things as reading Heidegger's "Being and Time" which can never be read easily. I must be a mad guy if I am alone in my room.

In the morning, I had time to read Brady Mikako's "Put yourself in someone's shoes". I like Brady's books. Yes, I can fit my thoughts or beliefs into her books and also I can find some frank essences in her books. Her books are written in an honest and sincere style. In that book, she talks about how important we trust our words and do saying thoughts actually. It can be done by the trust for words. I rely on language. And also I believe in the power of logic. I am trying to be logical. Of course, the base of me is a certain passion and desire which is boiling in my mind.

Living as an autistic person, it might sound rude but I usually suffer from neurotypical people's scattered minds and fuzziness. But they must think about us as some stubborn and mechanical ones. This gap can never be fit. But I try to leap upon that gap and stay logical. This character might be made by the sickness of being bullied and looking back at myself deeply. I thought being logical was the way to defeat them. It might be my epitaph.

But (I write this again) the base of me is just madness and passion. Or snobbism and selfishness. As a character in "Battle Without Honor or Humanity" says, I have a practical and snob desire of "we live for eating delicious meals and enjoying sexy sluts". I want to stay with cute girls... but it must be vacant to show that kind of snobbism and living a selfish life, so I'm trying to write difficult things and high topics and hiding those desires. I am such a 'human' snob and a movement of a certain material desire.