2022/11/18 English

Today I worked late. Before my job, I read Susumu Sogo's column as usual and found he had written the one about the director of the movie "Top Gun" Tony Scott. He had chosen death by himself... and it said that people could die in any way. TBH when I was a heavy drinker, I thought death really easily. I even thought anytime I could die alone... and it must be a sign of my courage. I thought so. It was really stupid. We need more courage to build a steady life and save it against hard times. I should understand that.

Susumu Sogo also writes about the death of Bill Evans in his column. It says that his life is like a process of really slow death by himself. I can remember that once I had drunk a lot and lost my mind. What a shame! Recently I attended the "danshu" meeting and listened to another member's confession about death. Why should we live our lives? Why shouldn't we choose death? Once I thought about this a lot. Now I chose the life which enables enjoying various arts in this world and lives a steady life. Life must have a lot of pleasure... Yes, this might be too much. But I believe that "life is good" as Akira Kurosawa's message in his movie "Dreams".

We learn the basic knowledge of autism from that kind of textbook. It is autistic people like learning minor knowledge and therefore their character might be "craftsmanship". Indeed I am a little bit nerdy. I read a lot of books, watch movies and listen to music. That "nerdy" character might make me dig Jazz music and read Haruki Murakami and Susumu Sogo again and again. Now people tend to deny that kind of "craftsmanship". So I am concerned about that because it means my lifestyle must be out of date.

I ask myself again. Do I have any dreams? Now I can't find any big and great dreams in myself. I just think that I want to write this diary more, and I just hope that more readers would read this. I just have some desire for reading interesting books and watching wonderful movies. But do those "huge" dreams make me happier? I can't see, but I adore that way of living. Live for the "huge" dream... I might have to be dutiful for that kind of desire in me.