BGM: 川本真琴 - FRAGILE
What is my job/work? After a night of the trouble from being hacked on Facebook, I went to the workplace and did my work because I had to work from this morning. Indeed, my head had been full of the problem of Facebook, but the Facebook won't provide any money for me so I have to do my work steadily and dutifully. From other point, my work exactly lets me forget about Facebook. At first, I even thought as "this state of my mind will disturb my work therefore I want to go back to my home", but it would be a good choice to keep on working. I have kept on doing this job about 20 years (and today I met a foreign person and used my primal English a little). Today was the day that made me think the force and enigma of my work. Ah, once I had thought as "I never want to work anymore because I am from WASEDA!". Yes, it was a really foolish idea.
And also, I could think about the connection/friendship again. By now, I was a little bit too maniac/fanatic for connecting myself to someone else on various social media. That mind of wanting "too much connection" might be a reason of this hacking. Once, when I had been lonely, I had thought that I wanted to be famous or popular on the internet (it must be from esteem needs). I had even had a large connection that enabled me to have 3,000 followers. What a shame. If I can connect myself with really trustable people, then what do I need anymore? I have a lot of "alternative" ways of connection. Real connection, LINE, WhatsApp, etc... I thought I certainly have learned an important lesson from this trouble, therefore it must not be any waste of time or efforts. Indeed, I would dream of "huger" network/connection with new friends, and try to connect more and more...
At lunchtime, when I had rested my head because of the "recoil" of my morning work, A person talked to me. We met each other at the English conversation class this town had. I can remember how precious this event can be because we can connect through our grateful real life... How profound this real life is! With him, I enjoyed talking various topics. About the high school I had learned (it is in Tatsuno city, and the city is where a Japanese philosopher Kiyoshi Miki had been born. I am reading his book even though it might be too late to read). About the ALT(native English) teachers who enable to run/maintain that English conversation class...Ah, I remember that this Shiso city was once a really crap for me. I ever wanted to run away from here forever. So I "leaped dynamically" from this town to the big city Tokyo and went to Waseda. But now, I can love this rural town. In this town, I can enjoy meeting a lot of great people. I have to feel thankful for that fact. Yes, the real has brought me that happiness.
The evening, I finished reading Yukio Mishima's "Confessions of a Mask". I thought it must be a great comedy. I thought I found a sad man who had been controlled/driven by passion and desire... but, I am also the one who has been haunted by huge desire therefore basically a sad existence. As I always write, once when I had suffered from the fact that I couldn't understand what the love is completely, I was into some "fishy" logic as "love is a copied concept from Europe within Japanese society. "Love" is therefore a "souvenir" from foreign countries". I even declared that childish opinions of mine. But, I experienced certain events of love... and, I was even soaked into a woman who comes from England on Discord (I believe I can confess this because everything has been over). And I wrote about desire again and again in this journal. It was a ridiculous event for me. Through those awkward days, I wish I could be tougher than once. I faced to the emotion toward women. I could say it was grateful because it pushed me forward. And... life goes on.
