BGM: Susumu Hirasawa - Mermaid Song
It must be shameful... but I confess. Today I had to work, but I decided not to do so because I thought I shouldn't overwork. I ran away from today's work. I sent some messages to other people on LINE. They said to me "You decided good choice" and that let me stay calm. I should stay firm... and separated myself from my smartphone. I tried to lay on my bead. Thinking nothing. I couldn't sleep... because I felt certainly that my body had started waking up and getting excited. My body reacts sunlight from the morning automatically (I can't get surprised by this vitality). But I won't think it deeply. Even in this state, my head spins. I thought I wanted to chat with anyone on Discord... but a friend told me that "close your eyes and lay yourself on the bed". I thought I should be dutiful to that advice because she knows how depression can be. It would work well if I follow her advice. I thought this by my inspiration.
Ah, once when I quit my work too much, my boss at that period said to me "become strong enough!". I remember that... and certainly I tried to be strong enough to answer that comment. At that time I was a heavy drinker, so with too much alcohol I had done my work too seriously. That finally hurt me so I broke up. Why should I live this life with this feeling? I asked myself this to me again and again... that helps me. Is this too cool? How do that ex-boss do now? I said my autism to that boss again and again. I tried to create my way. Thinking this, I feel that I am happy right now. I live... I believe that now is the time I have to escape from overworking, but how would the ex-boss say if she was still my boss?
This afternoon, I had sandwiches. I got a certain lesson. Eating and pooping (sorry) will make me recover again. After that, I stayed my head calm enough again. Suddenly, I learned that yesterday was the birthday of Vladimir Nabokov. I started reading "Lolita", but although Nabokov's style is elegant (and it is a great masterpiece of Tadashi Wakashima, who translated it into a sensitive Japanese), my head didn't accept it so I couldn't stop yawning many times, almost endlessly. I shouldn't overwork because I have to answer to the friends. Listening to Suede, I thought I would like to write MY "Lolita". It would be the record of my dirty desire. Writing might be that kind of "pooping"... although writing everything brutally won't work better with a shameless stance.
The evening came and I still read "Lolita" little by little. You must say that why I do such a novel like "Lolita". You are a business person so you have to do more useful thing, more important thing... I know that. But I slept well, and enjoying "Lolita" would work as a way of refreshing for me. I might be wrong, but I am such a wrong person. Beside that, I answered some questions about Japanese on Discord, and enjoyed chatting, and checking my smartphone. I have to stay firm. I want to try to live, enjoy, and learn the world like Ryu Murakami says. For them, I read "Lolita" and show my mental poop.
