BGM: Nine Inch Nails - Hurt
How can I handle my motivation in my mind? How can I feel the certain will in me which enables me to move on (and on)? TBH, today I had to go to my workplace to do my task, but I thought I couldn't work anymore - therefore I decided not to go to there. I sent a LINE message to my job coach to ask about this. Am I too lazy? Should I go?
She answered me soon, with saying to me that it could be OK because I could need to take a rest to live my life happily. She always says that she wishes me live a happy life. Oh! I called the workplace and told my will - and tried to take a rest. I tried to read some philosophical books (you would think it couldn't understandable, but I sometimes need to read this kind of books to separate my imagination, my mind itself from this world.) But, I couldn't keep on staying quiet therefore I faced to my computer to enjoy chatting on Discord.
This afternoon, after having lunch, I tried to read any book again. You may say that it must be a trial of escaping from this world, this reality. Yes, I accept that. I need to face the reality to keep on fighting in this horrible world. But - forgive me for a while! I decided this. I started reading Akira Abe's novel (阿部昭『緑の年の日記』,) and found that his works are still actual even though his name might not be known by many readers. I recommend his books to you, if you like Japanese literature.
With the trial of reading, I did sleep. Slept enough - and gained a certain energy in me certainly. I think my body, my brain had needed this kind of rest from long time ago. How could it be if I had gone to the workplace? I can't see. But also, I think/believe that I must need to work actually. Even though I could quit my current work, any work would require me to do because that kind of social activities empower my idea, my philosophy besides of affording payment/money.